siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhh........
I had been so excited when I heard that someone was working on a new TMNT movie. I've been a Turtles fan for years; I was never a part of the original series, but TMNT 2003 was my jam back in the day. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Say that out loud a few times and just think about how that could be awesome.
It was. It was very awesome. I've even run into a few comics; there was one series that was in black and white where the Turtles were in a darker world and were more violent and Batman-y, while the latest one, written by the original creator, is more modern and is getting really good reviews (I can't find them anywhere!).
I had been so excited when I heard that someone was working on a new TMNT movie. I've been a Turtles fan for years; I was never a part of the original series, but TMNT 2003 was my jam back in the day. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Say that out loud a few times and just think about how that could be awesome.
It was. It was very awesome. I've even run into a few comics; there was one series that was in black and white where the Turtles were in a darker world and were more violent and Batman-y, while the latest one, written by the original creator, is more modern and is getting really good reviews (I can't find them anywhere!).
They're cooler than they look, trust me.
The only TMNT movie I've ever watched was, well, TMNT (animated). I didn't hate it; came to love it, actually. I watch that crap at least once every year. It really showed what the Turtles meant to each other without the span of a whole series, introduced some cool villains, and even birthed the Nightwatcher! Spoilers aside, I personally think that dude was cooler than Batman. Now I will go try to convince my brethren that I didn't say that and in fact do not deserve the Death Penalty.
Anyway, my point is, the Turtles rock, and seeing how technology and the way movies are done have progressed, hearing that they're getting a new movie is really exciting. What could go wrong? CGI the Turtles, get an actor with a cool voice for Shredder, a few parkour-ists for the Foot Clan, and have 'em beat the shell out of each other.
So why did this happen?
eeeehhh....
I had already known beforehand that the Turtles were gonna look horrible, but Sweet Cheezits those look bad! Well, somehow, the character designer for this movie caught the "screw the fans" disease. You know what I'm talking about; anytime something, anything, is turned into a live action movie, be it a book or a cartoon, they'll hire a character designer who doesn't give a crap. He/she'll take like one look at how the characters basically look and then'll scoff and vomit their own image of how they think the characters should look. In fact, now that I think about it, this doesn't necessarily apply only to live action movies (Sonic Boom, for instance).
How did the disease affect the victim this time?
"Yo, I need a design for Leonardo."
"Who?"
"You know, the Ninja Turtle with the blue mask. The one with the swords?"
"Oh, yeah, yeah, that guy. What'd you say he was? A ninja turtle? The heck is that?"
"A turtle that's a ninja, I don't know! That's your job. Use your freakin' imagination!"
"Okay, okay, calm down"
"...well?"
"I got it: Native American Flute Vest."
"Bingo. See, that's why you da man!"
Ninjas. NINJAS. Not Apache chiefs! In it's defense, though, Leo's actually the worst one. Mickey's not that bad. Donny's been going through some stuff (lately, everyone believes he should be smothered in technology. You know, like all nerds that live in the sewers are). And Ralph just looks bulky and muscular.
These, however, are individual designs. Overall, though?
The Turtles SUCK!!!!!
I was sitting there, wondering "what's wrong with them? Why can't I stand looking at them?" when it hit me. I realized. I saw the light. I understood where they went wrong.
Here, let's play a game (why, yes, Jigsaw is a personal friend of mine). It's a very old but popular game that I'm sure most of you are used to by now. It's called "find the odd one out". Let's begin, shall we?
This should be easy...
And why did you choose that horrid piece of crap at the bottom right? He has a freakin' NOSE!
Think about it for a few seconds. Look at all of those animated versions and think about why we were never scared of them. Think about why we never thought "eeeeeewwww, those are good guys?" back when we used to watch the TV-shows or the movies. Look at all four of those pictures and let the answer come to you.
It's the nose! They've never had NOSES, what the crap?!!?! They've always been, like, beak-based or something. The very least they've ever had are nostrils. But coming soon, they'll all have a freakin' NOSE.
And why, pray tell, is a nose so bad? Simple. They look too human. They were never supposed to look like human beings. Otherwise, it would have been called "Teenage Ninjas"...and that's it. A mutated Turtle does not and should never resemble a human being. Why do these guys scare me? Because they look like ugly, green monks with three fingers and jacked up faces. Their shells look more like backpacks.
I can't wait to see Splinter.
What, they gonna take away his nose?
Reap what interests you most
