Well, the good news is, Splinter's nose is safe. That's...about it.
I'm back, you know, form beyond and whatnot (writer's block), and I have the LATEST (I might have to revise my trailer 2 rants) TMNT 2014 movie trailer to thank for waking me out of my slumber.
What do we have now? Well, the same issues as before, except here I'd like to point out a few things I missed while revising the first trailer. See, the problem with that one was that the Turtles were kinda shoved aside for the explosions and other exposition, so I got glimpses of 'em as reminders that they're in the movie. In the latest trailer, and also these new posters that came out, you can finally see them. What they look like, how they're gonna look.
First, the trailer:
Now, the posters, a closer look, if you will (and if you say "cooool!!!", I will find you and I will fight you):
He looks uncomfortable. His head looks like a shriveled pea, and I've already "complemented" his chest flutes. And is he wearing cargo shorts?! What?!
The lips. Good LORD the lips. He's so CREEPY. But that aside, take a look at the paraphernalia. Thank God he has a seatbelt on because, hey, Ninja work sure is BUMPY. The knee pads seem a bit much, why the heck does he need shades, and the worst part? His SNEAKERS. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wearing sneakers. I get the "new look must fit with today's mainstream"...oh, no, wait, I don't. You didn't have to do that. They're just THERE. Where'd he find sneakers that fit his two-toed feet perfectly? Can you imagine the noise those'll make? They're NINJAS. Also, what's with the beads?
Now, here's the one I don't have a problem with. The irony is that Raph has always been my favorite Toytle (I swear I'm not playing favorites). The gruff look, the nearly-covers-his-whole-face mask, the tattered...stuff (why are they wearing clothes? That sounds weird, I know, but why are they wearing clothes?), the hulking frame, it all fits. Raph is the hot-head, the "bad-cop". He should look rough. Now, in the trailer, he's got shades too. Ridiculous. They operate in the NIGHT, you don't wear shades in the DARK.
WHAT. THE BUTT. HAVE YOU DONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? THE "NERD" THING THAT'S BEEN GOIN' ON WITH DONNY LATELY. HE WAS NEVER A "NERD", HE WAS JUST SMART! SMART PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS NERDS. BUT NOOOOOOO, DECK HIM IN...WHAT THE HECK IS HE WEARING?! IS THAT A CAMERA CREW ON HIS BACK? IS THAT A KEYBOARD ON HIS THIGH? DON'T FORGET THE "NERDY" GLASSES, 'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS DONNY HAS POOR EYE-SIGHT, SOMEHOW, AND THEY FOUND THE RIGHT LENSES FOR HIM, SOMEHOW. I CAN ALMOST SEE DONNY VINING AND INSTAGRAMMING HIS FIGHTS WITH THE GO-PRO ON HIS FOREHEAD, AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WI-FI SET-UP ON HIS FREAKING CHEST. FOR THE LAST TIME: NINJA TURTLES! HOW CAN HE OPERATE IN THIS?!
Well, now you really understand my pain. I grew up with these guys. They were lean, green, pizza-eating, shell-kicking machines. They operated in the shadows, struck without warning, protected the city from dangers it didn't know existed. They could never be seen, they were trained to vanish without a trace.
But they're decked in so much stuff! I already looked past the fact that they're HUGE, but hey, mutagen does that to ya. I respect that. They got jacked with toxic ooze, make 'em look menacing. But that's it! That's enough! Make 'em look 21st century or whatever, but don't make 'em look more like freaks than they already do (freaks in a good way). If you really expect me to believe that no one can figure out that giant turtles covered in clinking beads and beeping motherboards and headsets and squeaky sneakers are running around, you need to stick to Transformers, Bay! They can make all the noise you want; they're giant robots! Ninja Turtles? Geez, I'm surprised you didn't give Mikey a boombox.
Now, if you're thinking any of the following, I answer you in kind (and RAGE OF CRIMSON RED):
a) What if they're not going for the "sneaky ninjas in the shadows thing?". They are. You hear them say it in the trailer. Literally, after they beat the crap out of a bunch of guerrillas (and throw those guerrillas into trains quietly), they bound off to the rooftops and slap high-fives, hooting "like shadows in the night! COMPLETELY unseen!". They were trained to be stealthy, and then they went out wearing their Captain Obvious costumes.
b) Perhaps they were trained to be stealthy even when decked in jingle bells? Shut up. That's bull crap.
I'm back, you know, form beyond and whatnot (writer's block), and I have the LATEST (I might have to revise my trailer 2 rants) TMNT 2014 movie trailer to thank for waking me out of my slumber.
What do we have now? Well, the same issues as before, except here I'd like to point out a few things I missed while revising the first trailer. See, the problem with that one was that the Turtles were kinda shoved aside for the explosions and other exposition, so I got glimpses of 'em as reminders that they're in the movie. In the latest trailer, and also these new posters that came out, you can finally see them. What they look like, how they're gonna look.
First, the trailer:
Now, the posters, a closer look, if you will (and if you say "cooool!!!", I will find you and I will fight you):
He looks uncomfortable. His head looks like a shriveled pea, and I've already "complemented" his chest flutes. And is he wearing cargo shorts?! What?!
The lips. Good LORD the lips. He's so CREEPY. But that aside, take a look at the paraphernalia. Thank God he has a seatbelt on because, hey, Ninja work sure is BUMPY. The knee pads seem a bit much, why the heck does he need shades, and the worst part? His SNEAKERS. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wearing sneakers. I get the "new look must fit with today's mainstream"...oh, no, wait, I don't. You didn't have to do that. They're just THERE. Where'd he find sneakers that fit his two-toed feet perfectly? Can you imagine the noise those'll make? They're NINJAS. Also, what's with the beads?
Now, here's the one I don't have a problem with. The irony is that Raph has always been my favorite Toytle (I swear I'm not playing favorites). The gruff look, the nearly-covers-his-whole-face mask, the tattered...stuff (why are they wearing clothes? That sounds weird, I know, but why are they wearing clothes?), the hulking frame, it all fits. Raph is the hot-head, the "bad-cop". He should look rough. Now, in the trailer, he's got shades too. Ridiculous. They operate in the NIGHT, you don't wear shades in the DARK.
WHAT. THE BUTT. HAVE YOU DONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? THE "NERD" THING THAT'S BEEN GOIN' ON WITH DONNY LATELY. HE WAS NEVER A "NERD", HE WAS JUST SMART! SMART PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS NERDS. BUT NOOOOOOO, DECK HIM IN...WHAT THE HECK IS HE WEARING?! IS THAT A CAMERA CREW ON HIS BACK? IS THAT A KEYBOARD ON HIS THIGH? DON'T FORGET THE "NERDY" GLASSES, 'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS DONNY HAS POOR EYE-SIGHT, SOMEHOW, AND THEY FOUND THE RIGHT LENSES FOR HIM, SOMEHOW. I CAN ALMOST SEE DONNY VINING AND INSTAGRAMMING HIS FIGHTS WITH THE GO-PRO ON HIS FOREHEAD, AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WI-FI SET-UP ON HIS FREAKING CHEST. FOR THE LAST TIME: NINJA TURTLES! HOW CAN HE OPERATE IN THIS?!
Well, now you really understand my pain. I grew up with these guys. They were lean, green, pizza-eating, shell-kicking machines. They operated in the shadows, struck without warning, protected the city from dangers it didn't know existed. They could never be seen, they were trained to vanish without a trace.
But they're decked in so much stuff! I already looked past the fact that they're HUGE, but hey, mutagen does that to ya. I respect that. They got jacked with toxic ooze, make 'em look menacing. But that's it! That's enough! Make 'em look 21st century or whatever, but don't make 'em look more like freaks than they already do (freaks in a good way). If you really expect me to believe that no one can figure out that giant turtles covered in clinking beads and beeping motherboards and headsets and squeaky sneakers are running around, you need to stick to Transformers, Bay! They can make all the noise you want; they're giant robots! Ninja Turtles? Geez, I'm surprised you didn't give Mikey a boombox.
Now, if you're thinking any of the following, I answer you in kind (and RAGE OF CRIMSON RED):
a) What if they're not going for the "sneaky ninjas in the shadows thing?". They are. You hear them say it in the trailer. Literally, after they beat the crap out of a bunch of guerrillas (and throw those guerrillas into trains quietly), they bound off to the rooftops and slap high-fives, hooting "like shadows in the night! COMPLETELY unseen!". They were trained to be stealthy, and then they went out wearing their Captain Obvious costumes.
b) Perhaps they were trained to be stealthy even when decked in jingle bells? Shut up. That's bull crap.
My sons, I will now teach you the ninja art of stopping soundwaves.
Now you think I forgot about Splinter. Well, you catch a glimpse of him in the trailer, and I guess you can't really mess him up, can you? Maybe give him the boombox (now THAT would be pretty sweet). Thanks to the "screw the fans" disease, though, we already know from this trailer that he loses his fight against Megatron.
Wait, what? Oh, I'm sorry, I misread "Michael Bay's new-found robot fetish version of the Shredder" as Megatron. How silly of me.
Yup, they're jacking up Shredder, too. Gotta have that "Sci-Fi" edge...oh, wait, you already have mutant Turtles, so no, don't make Shredder's simple, cool enough, Japanese-style combat armor into a next-gen exo-suit with floating spikes that screams "don't you love it when all the bad guys are grey and spiky?" (Megatron, The Fallen, Starscream, etc.).
I'm not gonna pay to watch this movie without GOOD reviews. The action looks promising, but I might not be able to stomach the Batman jokes and Leonardo acting like a drill instructor.
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