WTForce: Curse of the Jedi - Episode II

SPOILER ALERT

The Clone Wars

  To see Episode I, click here.

  Quick recap, though. If you agree that immortality sucks in the long run (the really long run), then we concluded that Jedi who fail at Jedi life are doomed to roam the galaxy as intangible ghosts forever as punishment for their sins. Darth Vaderkin deserves this, and according to, well, me, so do Jedi idols Obi-Wan Kenobi and Master Yoda.

  You heard that right (well, read that right, but whatever).

  See, this is where I get a little...treacherous. I love Star Wars, and I can't stress that enough, but watching the prequels (eeegghh) and the Clone Wars (Star Wars done RIGHT) changes your perception of the supposed "peace keepers". Basically, for the longest time, I've come to accept that the overall actions of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda are the main reasons behind anything that ever went wrong in the Star Wars universe, and that they absolutely, without a doubt, deserve eternal punishment.

Dun-dun-daaaaaaaaaaaa

  

  Hear me out, hear me out! Look, lemme rephrase myself. I'm not saying that Obi-Wan wasn't a hero. I mean, when you look between the lines, he did a lot of commendable stuff. He saved a lotta lives, and put down a lotta baddies. Yet, at the end of the day, when it came to the freaking Chosen One (Skywalker, Anakin), he made the wrong choices, on purpose, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

  There are too many signs, but I'll name off a few so you can see where I'm going with this. First and foremost, we all know the Jedi Council is stupid. It's just stupid. The heads of the Council all unanimously agreed that Anakin was too old to take in as a Padawan (Yoda...). They all sensed something wrong with him (Yoda...). They all sensed potential danger in teaching this particular, y'know, Chosen One, the ways of the Force (Yoda...). Qui-Gon Jinn (is that how you spell his name? I don't care; I know I should, but I don't) convinces the Council to allow him the opportunity to train the, y'know, Chosen One, and they all go, "whatever, we don't really care what happens. As long as nobody dies, of course."

WHOOPS

  Well, yeah, that happened. Qui-Gon straight-up went and got himself murdered (by the coolest light-saber wielding dude in ever), but instead of putting the, y'know, Chosen One's training and upbringing in capable hands (Yoda...), Obi-Wan flaps his yap and decides to train him. A Padawan. Whose Master just died. Asked for, and given, the responsibility of training the, y'know, Chosen One (Yoda...). Does that sound like a good idea to you? Maybe they bonded. Maybe Anakin "learned more" from Obi-Wan as a "friend" and a "brother". Maybe Obi-Gon had enough Qui-Wan...I mean Obi-Wan had enough Qui-Gon mojo in him that the Council said, "Hey, why not? As long as nobody dies, of course."

  Yeah, well, I'm sorry to say EVERYBODY DIES.

  You had ONE JOB. O-N-E J-O-B. Teach the kid some morals. Teach him our ways. Teach him to follow the Jedi Code. AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T GROW UP A PSYCHOPATHIC, DISOBEYING DELINQUENT THAT KILLS EVERYONE.

  Everywhere you look (watch) in the Clone Wars, you have "Anakin, don't do this", and "Anakin, stop, don't do that." Obi-Wan says "This isn't the Jedi way,", and Anakin turns around and does it. 

  There's a certain arc in the Clone Wars when Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Ahsoka Tano crashland on planet Mortis, which has a very strong connection to the Force. There, they meet three individuals: a family of Forcewielders in the forms of a Father, Daughter, and Son (the latter of the two can turn into bat-griffon things and block light-sabers with their bare hands. Watch this show). The Son is pure evil (Darkside) and the Daughter is peace, love, and light (Lightside), and they are both tamed by their Father. Basically, if they are left to their...whatever, the balance of the galaxy will be off and blah blah blah. Unfortunately, Papa Forcewielder doesn't have much time left, and he proves to Anakin that he was meant to take his place and keep the balance. Y'know, the Chosen One. This is what Anakin was meant to do, born to do. Destiny or not, his job, his duty, is to selflessly remain on Mortis and keep these two tamed in order to prevent the galaxy from falling into ruin.

  BIG SURPRISE. He leaves. And Obi-Wan lets him! He actively supports Anakin's decision to let the galaxy FALL INTO RUIN.

  Let's not forget that he flat-out lies to Luke about his entire life and basically commits suicide. Let's not forget about that.

  And if that's not enough to earn eternal punishment, then this next shocker definitely is:

I TOTALLY don't know that you're married, bro. 

  Anyone who tells themselves that Obi-Wan, or anyone on the Jedi Council for that matter (Yoda...), didn't know that the, y'know, Chosen One was MARRIED and was breaking one of the BIGGEST JEDI LAWS is kidding themselves. His marriage is destroying his perception of how the Jedi Order works. The same Order, mind you, that is devoted to keeping the galaxy at peace. One of the most important individuals in the galaxy has mixed feelings about the rules that keep the peace. Swell. 

  

  And they knew! Especially Obi-Wan! The signs were everywhere! They joke about it in the Clone Wars! LAUGH about it! It's just so obvious! He (Anakin) will do the dumbest things IMAGINABLE in the name of "love", and the Jedi, Obi-Wan specifically, act like he's still "learning from his honest mistakes". He's married, dipstick! Do something! Stop him! Punish him! Train him, prepare him, warn him, he's the FREAKING, y'know, CHOSEN ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jedi Poodoo!

  By the way, how many (Yoda...)s did you count? That's my way of telling you that, in those specific situations, Yoda could've easily prevented all the really bad stuff from happening. He's the most powerful Forcewielder in the galaxy, he can see the future, sense evil, and, ultimately, should've been the Council's first choice when deciding who should train the, y'know, Chosen One. There's no way he didn't know about the crap Anakin was getting into and the direction that crap was leading to. Heck, he probably knew about Sidious.  But even if you look past the terrible, unforgivable way in which he handled the, y'know, Chosen One's upbringing, there is still one crucial piece of evidence that puts Yoda in the "doomed for eternity" category (along with the two aforementioned Star Wars idols I just crushed).

  This guy has the power to lift up, take down, and bring down military grade spacecraft. Obviously, your first choice for the front lines in any battle during the Clone Wars. Yes, I know, "Jedi are peacekeepers, not warriors", but come on, really? You have swords that can cut through anything and unlimited telekinesis at your disposal. Wouldn't you rather help end the terrible war that's raging across the galaxy? Wouldn't you rather get rid of the intergalactic terrorist organization whose sole purpose is to bring an end to all peace and resurrect the Sith? Wouldn't you want to make sure they get beat to a pulp and never return, in order to preserve the so called "peace" you so crave?

  Then why, when you have the power to do all these things in, like, a few months tops, do you sit on your green other-word-for-donkey-that-starts-with-"a" all the time and "meditate"? Why do we never see you, during the Clone Wars or the nasty prequels, lay waste to the intergalactic enemy that threatens billions of lives? Why do we never see you do anything other than chillax in the Jedi Temple and spout wise, useless non-sense? Besides train a bunch of Jedi who all eventually get murdered because of your mistakes...

 

 ...what did you ever actually do?

  That's right, folks. Yoda sucks. He did nothing of importance with all his power. We never see him do anything. He just...sits there. Sat there. For, like, 900 years. And then died. Uselessly. You upheld none of your vows to keep the peace, even in the most obvious and easiest-to-handle of situations, and I'm really sorry to say (write) this, but you deserve what you got. Eternal, intangible purgatory. 

  That's all I got. That's what I understood from the famous Episode VI "ghost scene". Pretty dark, pretty deep, pretty demeaning (and full of loopholes, I'm sure. But hey, it's what I think.).

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WTForce: Curse of the Jedi - Episode I

  Welcome to yet another sub-area-thingy of Force Lightning, and probably one of my favorites: WTForce! Here, I ruthlessly dissect the Star Wars franchise and come up with my own theories, exhaust myself with rants, and basically make you question everything you thought you knew about Star Wars. But remember this, young Padawans: I do this with love. In case you couldn't tell, I LOVE STAR WARS. In my business, though, nothing is safe. My wrath is unbiased!!! 

  A few heads-ups, though:

  Firstly, everything I write in here is from the point of view of a guy who has only been exposed to the following: All six live-action films (the ChristMESS Special can burn), the entire Clone Wars animated series, both Clone Wars animated shorts, a Darth Bane book (and counting! That dude is beast!), and some general tidbits of expanded universe info. If you can't handle that, please move on. I've got some pretty deep stuff coming up next. Like, Sarlacc deep. Also, some revered icons WILL be insulted.

  Secondly...I totally forgot, but if I remember I'll edit this. My bad.

  LET'S DO THIS!!!

  *ahem*

  

  So, as you can see from the title, I've discovered that there's something a little off about the Jedi. Well, three specific Jedi, to be exact. Here's some nostalgia:

 "Ummm...not crazy anymore, he is?"

"Yeah, he does look pretty chill for someone who committed galactic genocide for half his life, doesn't he?"

  Remember dat? We wuz all like "wuuuut", and den we saw Anakin and we wuz all like "aaaaaww, he a good guy now." Nobody questioned NUTHIN'. We just blindly accepted that Anakin deserved to be a ghost, just like his old pals Masters Kenobi and Yoda do, because the "good" Anakin "died" and then he "resurfaced" when the "bad" Vaderkin actually died and then he "died" again...or something. Basically, we kinda learned something from this: Jedi turn to ghosts when they die. We assume that they then drift through the galaxy forever in eternal peace as a reward for fulfilling their ultimate mission: keeping the peace. Marvelous.

Then where. The Force. Did I go wrong?!

  Oh, yeah, sorry Mace, forgot about you for a second. Poor Mace makes an excellent point, though. Where the heck is his ghost, or any other Jedi's ghost for that matter? I mean, they were all ruthlessly murdered on a galactic scale during Order 66, so how come a butt-load of ghosts aren't just wandering around? Now, you could say that we, the audience, were only shown three ghosts and then were expected to say "yeah, we get it. Ghosts.". Or, you could say we saw those three specific ghosts in that specific scene because they had been affiliated with Luke in their past. Perhaps your loved ones appear as ghosts only to you after their deaths (if they were Jedi), which would explain why no one besides Luke saw the ghosts.

  But I prefer to think more dangerously (and besides, those are your opinions, not mine. Stop thinking so much and keep reading.).

  Let's look at the ghosts: Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin. Three great Jedi Masters, known for their acts of valor, their wisdom, and their undying (heh) devotion to the Light Side of the Force and all who fall under its protection. Yet we, as the audience, never see or hear of any other Jedi Masters wandering around as immortal phantoms, even Jedi who were as great as, if not greater than, the three aforementioned. I mean, look at Mace. He was a pretty decent guy. He sniffed out the Emperor's plot and made haste to rid the galaxy of the Sith...forever. That's some pretty eternal-bliss-deserving stuff right there! So where the heck is he? We all know he's dead. He got murdered by Sidious after... oh my God. Wow. That's right, folks, widen those eyes as the realization hits you. Mace Windu did not accomplish his ultimate task as a Jedi Knight before getting thrown out a window by Darth Sidious...right after Ana-frea-kin Skywalker cut his And-frea-kin hand off!!! That's right. Anakin Skywalker, the dude who supposedly reverted to the Light Side and became a "good guy" right before his death, had previously chopped off Mace Windu's hand during Mace's attempt to rid the galaxy of evil. Anakin's sins didn't stop there, either, oh no, they kept right on rolling, too. He immediately runs off to the Jedi Temple and straight-up murders like ten Jedi-kids.

Okay, slight exaggeration, but still! Children, dude?!

  After that (as in, after he gets his whiny other-word-for-donkey-that-starts-with-"a" whupped by Obi-Wan) he leads the Empire on a galactic Jedi culling that basically Forces them, the good guys, into hiding. This dude is the definition of a villain. He betrays his friends, his beliefs, and his, y'know, wife and kids, all to...well, save his wife and kids (prequels, why?). For some reason, though, the Force (or whatever) decided that he, Anakin Skywalker, Darth Ana-frea-kin Vader, deserved eternal, ghostly peace while Mace Windu (the black guy) and every other Jedi who never did anything wrong got screwed and thrown to the metaphorical wolves.

"Metaphorical". 

  Unless...

  Okay, anyone who reads comics knows that, in the long haul, immortality sucks. It just sucks. Yo would watch everyone and everything you know just die, over and over and over again, forever. You would do the same thing forever. It would drive most people insane.

Just ask this guy.

   Plus, in this case, you're a ghost. Ghosts can't touch anything or feel anything. They can just, like, watch. FOREVER. THAT SUCKS.

  

  So let's assume, for a teensy-weensy, midi-chlorian-sized second, that immortality is seen as just that, a curse. A condemnation. A punishment. "You will wander the galaxy forever, doomed to observe the horrible seeds you've sown and the ones they will sow and the ones they will sow, as punishment for your sins." In Vaderkin's case, this actually makes since. I am also assuming that this curse only works on technical Jedi, or anyone who accepts and follows the Light Side (remember, Vaderkin "technically" switched sides before his permanent shut-eye). This would explain why we saw zero Sith ghosts. I mean, come one, there's gotta be a worse punishment for them than this. The Jedi get off easy, in the Force's definition of the word. Should a Jedi die after a life of complete, utter disappointment, failing to uphold vows and responsibilities, and destroying the lives and situations of others, on purpose, that Jedi is condemned to eternal ghostliness (which sucks, btw. This theory only holds if you believe immortality as an intangible ghost sucks).

  So, yeah, Vaderkin deserves that. Okay.

  What about Obi-Wan and Yoda?

  To that, I say...my very first "to be continued"!!!

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