What is Up with Angry Birds?

  I think I speak for everyone when I say that if you have a touch-screen tablet of any size (try out our new bigger than an iPhone but smaller than an iPad! Apple.) or type, you know what I’m talking about when I say these words: Angry. Birds. Angry Birds.

 

  So, how have our little violent birdies been doing? Okay, well, they recently teamed up with Lucasfilms and created a Star Wars (eeeeeeeeeeek!!) version of their fling-birds-at-stuff game, and a while before that they had this weird space version in which I myself was only a fan of the water planet levels. The people at the company that made this game, Rovio, I think, are probably swimming in a pool of money right now. And the second they release Angry Birds Transformers (please?) I’m gonna be standing there with my dollar ninety-nine, ready to exercise my finger again for a few hours.

  So what happened? Well, my friends, I just wanted to share with you a few things I noticed about this franchise that were kind of ridiculous. Here’s What is Up with Angry Birds:

  @. Useless birds: As I mentioned before, Rovio released a space version of the game that introduced zero-G and all that, and I wasn't a huge fan of it. Call me picky. The interesting thing, though, was that it introduced new birds. The birds were more like redesigns of old birds, upgraded versions you could say. And that brings topic number one: Rovio has made a lot of very useless birds. We have:

     

       a.The red bird: This guy has never been useful. You always start off with him, and using him is hopeless. He has no strong points (like the black bird is strong against rock and the blue bird is strong against glass) and he has no special ability. He is the most useless bird of late, and I’m pretty darn sure that Rovio made him up to serve the sole purpose of being a symbol. No, no, not a bird who can actually BREAK something, nope, make our symbol a fat, red ball with a beak that squeals when you chuck it at wood. I swear, sometimes, I feel like going out and extinct-ing this bird.

        

       b.The green bird: What the bald monkey?! What is this bird supposed to be, a toucan?! Yeah, well toucans are a dumb idea of a bird of war (so is a chicken, but hey, dive-bombing eggs was NOT a bad idea). They’re meant to be exotic and beautiful, especially their beaks. Thanks to Rovio, the beak of a toucan now serves as a boomerang. Hooray. That’s just what we needed; we’ve been BEGGING for a bird that you can’t aim with. I’m not lying when I say that every level of Angry Birds that I haven’t finished features the freakin’ toucan. He is very useless in the fact that when you ‘boomerang’ him, he just flops onto the floor and barks. What?! I’ve even tried throwing him BACKWARDS for crying out loud, then boomeranging him so he can fly forward, but I guess then I've just replaced the red bird with the same thing.

       c.The orange bird: He’s the newest, and literally the DUMBEST. Here, let me explain: ya throw him, wait for a few seconds, and then he gets fat.

  I take it back, the red bird can at least kill exposed pigs, but THIS guy, sheesh, he just…inflates. That’s it. That may sound awesome to you, but when you try him out, you just find yourself waiting for him to deflate and disappear so you can get back to, you know, KILLING PIGS.

  @.Gets owned by the bad guys: So, the plot of Angry Birds (I know you know what it is but shut up and let me finish) is this: Pigs steal eggs, birds want revenge. The pigs are the bad guys. Who doesn’t love bad guys? Seriously, name any hero or protagonist whose villain isn’t just THAT much cooler than him/her? The Joker from Batman, Darth Maul from Star Wars (eeeeeeeeeeeek!!), and the zombies from the Walking Dead (eek) all have the same quality: They kick butt cheeks. And fortunately, that is also the case with Angry Birds. Rovio released a pig’s version of their game last year, which of course had a different gameplay style and goal. You build contraptions out of random items the game throws at you and try to get to ‘the other side’ (Fringe reference). And let me tell you, no matter what your kids think, this game is just awesome. No more than two dollars, folks. You gotta get it. It is really fun. And while Angry Birds is oh-kaaaay, Bad Piggies beats it with flying colors (or flying pigs.) I guess this isn’t…really a rage. Sorry.

  @.Murder: This makes me very sad. This fills my eyes with H20. My heart just rips itself into non-existence. MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING. Why? Why, Rovio? Why would you do this? Why would you put this horrible tragedy in our minds? ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS PLAY A GAME, ROVIO!! MURDER IS NOT A GAME! DO YOU THINK MURDER IS A GAME ROVIO?! This specific…rage, if you may, has two terrible, terrible factors: 

  

  One, if the sole purpose of your war is to get your eggs back, why on Earth would you just commit suicide? The birds are committing!! Suicide!! They’re killing themselves. They’re blowing themselves up, breaking their own bodies, and flinging themselves at sharp edges to get their babies back! Why you doin’ it if your jut gonna end up dead? Why would you leave those eggs without parents? Why?! 

  

  And number two: if the sole purpose of your war is to get your eggs back, why is the white bird basically CRAPPING out eggs onto the freakin’ battlefield?! I know that I mentioned this as an awesome idea, but still...when you think about it, it's really revolting. And, considering the fact that you HAVE to have eggs, can’t the white bird just…make some more? These are not hidden factors, my friends. This is MURDER. And that is very…I just can’t take it anymore. How could you forget what you’re fighting for? You murder yourself to save your kids, and then you murder your kids to save your kids? This has to be stopped.

  In conclusion, I hope I haven’t ruined Angry Birds for you, because they try really hard. So just…try harder, ‘kay?

Until next we meat (see what I did there? ‘meat’? pigs?).

p.s.: Um…the female birds lay the eggs and watch over them, right? Juuuuuuuuuust checking…..-.-.

 ?????

The Dream World: The Secret Behind Passing Out

  Martial arts. Self-defense. Fighting. These are all phrases. But what do they mean? Do they imply that it's all 'art' out there? Is being able to hurt someone 'self-defense'? Or does it all come down to 'fighting'? The bloody-fisted, bone-crunching, black-eye-at-the-end-of-the-day fighting? No, I am here to tell you otherwise. I am here to tell you that, at the end of the day, what you know as an art or a form of defending yourself or a way to beat up someone is simply a sport. A sport that you can grow to love. A sport that you can take seriously or for granted. A sport meant to raise your confidence, strengthen your body, and give you a heck of a time while doing. And no matter what, nothing is wrong with a sport.

  

  In football, you may get trampled. In soccer, you may get tripped. In baseball, you may get hit. And in any 'martial art', you may get hurt, and very badly. But at the end of the day, who or what is to blame? The answer is nobody. There is no blame. It is part of the game. It is part of the sport. You might get hurt. You may quit the sport, maybe you don't want to get hurt again or maybe you just can't do it anymore. But there's always something that stays behind, something that clings on and that you hold onto, impossible to let go of. The experience stays. Possibly the thrill. The hardships, oh, definitely. But what you never forget is the time you spend with your friends. They are your friends. He/she had to stop you from scoring a point. He/she didn't want to hurt you, it was just part of the sport. The sport you wanted to do with him/her. The sport you enjoyed together. He/she had to help his/her teammate, and not you. That doesn't mean he isn't your friend. You weren't on his team. Part of the sport. You still like the sport? Your choice. But your friend stays. He/she won't leave. He/she can't destroy you, not on purpose. Never on purpose. Why would they? It's just a sport, it can go away, but your friend stays.

  Now, sports are no joke. They are fun, VERY fun, but they come with consequences. Boxers  can get brain damage. Basketball players can ruin their knees. And we all know what can go wrong in free-falling. But you don't care. The sport was there, and you wanted a part of it. You knew the dangers, but danger is forever. You cannot miss out on something you cherish. If the sport calls out to you, enjoy it. Don't think about brain damage or twisted knees or the big splat. Just think about your need for the thrill. And think about your need for your friends. They are there to hang out with you, talk to you, even guide you. And in a sport, they can hurt you. But they can save you. And if they don't, it's not like they didn't want to. It's not like they planned it all. Allah knows best, so if what you and your friends wanted to do ever goes wrong, know that nothing can ever be you or your friend's fault. 

  My friends introduced me to the sport of BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). It is called a martial art. It is a good source of self-defense. And it is a sport. When I first started training, I didn't think it was too bad. The moves and techniques were, and still are, very useful to every extent. I myself also found it as a good source of exercise. But then, yesterday (or yesternight), it happened. I was sparring with my good friend, a neighbor of mine, when he got me in an excellent choke. All part of the sport. All part of being friends. Neither he, nor anyone else, could have expected that I would would pass out on that day (or night. Seriously, it depends). All I remember is hanging on, trying to get out, but then finally deciding to 'tap out', or concede. And I did. But by then, I couldn't breathe. Then my eyes closed. 

  

  The others in the room say my eyes rolled. It was dark. It was almost peaceful. I could hear things. I could feel myself spitting, vomiting. I could hear my younger brother crying, and someone going to get him. I could feel myself being rolled over. And then I woke up. The blackout had only lasted seconds. It felt like forever in what I have dubbed 'The Dream World'. You can see yourself. You are in and out of your body at the same time. You can catch bits and pieces of what is happening. But when I woke up, I remembered nothing. I had had no idea what had just happened. I had had no idea that, in an attempt to accomplish a successful choke in the good of the sport, my good friend, one of my lifelong friends, had caused me to pass out. It was my first experience. It was one of my many hardships and pains. And it was part of the sport. He had attempted to save me. The vomiting caught him off guard. Another of my friends, an instructor, intervened and put me into a 'recovery position'. I survived. I'm fine right now. I had scared a bunch of my other companions. But after it was over, after I had gotten my breathing together, we talked and even laughed about it afterwards. Why not? No one was hurt. No one was to blame. We all completed another influential and successful class. And I will still continue the sport. One hardship may be enough to discourage you. One hardship could permanently end your love or desire for a sport. But my advice to you is, no matter the hardship:

  Never hate your friends. And never forget them.

  Until next we meet. 

The Difference Between "No" and "Nope"

One ends with a "pe".

Until next we meet.

Never Watch Trailer 2

  Movie lovers! How you been? Seen any new movie trailers yet? Really? Awesome! I love movies too. Don't get confused, by the way, this isn't a "Second edition" post or anything. When I say trailer 2, I mean the SECOND trailer.

  Are we on the same page? Good.

  Now, let me ask you something. You, not me, 'cause I already know. What's a trailer? Some Sherlock wannbe would probably say "a large vehicle that is commonly used as a mobile transport". Yeah, well, I aint talking about THAT kind of trailer, I'm talking about a movie trailer. What is that? Obviously, movie lovers, a movie trailer is simply a preview. It is a not-over-two-minutes-long video short portraying a sneak-peek into a movie that hasn't been released. Of course, unless you're me, you don't watch a movie trailer AFTER the movie's come out. I'm kind of a freak, deal with it. If a new movie comes out, and you wanna know what it's going to be about, and you don't feel like reading (obviously, you don't have a problem reading), you watch the trailer to find out. Is the main character a man or a woman? A boy or a girl? A cat or a talking cat? Will it be animated or live action? Will it be action or, Allah help us, drama? 

  Sometimes you get a movie trailer. Flashback. The main character. A drifting car. The slow-motion-jump-out-of-a-glass-window cliche. The dude with the awesomely deep voice in the background. The one character in the movie that understands what the butt is going on. The screaming of a person's name ("Johnyyyyyyyyyyy!!"). The guns of the movie. And then the title. Thus, the movie trailer.

  Now, what's the problem? I'll tell you.

  If you think about it, the trailer is, um, you know, FULL of SPOILERS. 

  Of course, as usual, I'm 'exaggerating'. Yeah, well, shut up and listen. You want to watch the movie. You want to see it. You want to go to the theater, or buy the DVD, or pirate the movie and watch it. But you can't watch the movie without...knowing what it is. So you have to watch the trailer. There's no other freakin' way. What is a person to do? Just flip a coin and watch it? That's dangerous. It could end up being a drama. Or a reboot of Spiderman. So you have to watch the trailer. It's informational. 

  But the problem is the dudes who make, listen to this, TWO trailers. Okay, so no big deal. It's still another TRAILER, right? So it's probably the same. NO!! You're wrong! And that's sad! The second trailer is modified! 

  Trailer 2 is always filled to the BRIM with spoilers. Major spoilers? No, not exactly. See, trailer 2, sometimes called the extended trailer, shows added clips that weren't in the trailer. It sometimes lasts longer, gives out more information, and even sometimes explains what someone said in the trailer that nobody could understand.

  But isn't that the point? Isn't the point of a trailer to show enough for you to want to watch the movie, while still keeping some major points un-revealed? If a company releases a trailer, people watch it. The people who watch it get a feeling and a small idea of what might be in the movie. But you don't freakin' show us the whole movie in two minutes! That ruins the whole effect of a trailer, which is meant to keep you guessing. A good 'trailer 1' keeps the whole story in check, doesn't reveal too much, and has all of the fans hopping up and down in anticipation. I guess all of that hopping is why they release another trailer, just to show a little bit more. Well, NO! That's called giving in. The fans don't wanna wait? That's their problem. You're making the movie, so you give out a trailer that tells you what it's about. Then, when it's finished, you show the movie. THE TRAILER IS A SPARK-PLUG. It is a fuse. It lights the fire and activates the sticks of dynamite that are the fans. Trailer 2 is just extra gas, extra flame. You don't  keep stabbing and shooting an animal that you just killed. By the time you get home, you've already ripped the animal to shreds, and you're original goal which was a good meal is completely fizzled out and ruined. That is what trailer 2 is. It gives out info just above too much. Trailer 1 is the shot that kills the animal. Now you have a meal, which is you're movie. Trailer 2 is the mistake of ripping the dead animal apart, and you end up starving 'cause the original amount of food is gone. If you release a trailer after you've already released one, and all you do is add more stuff that you were gonna save for people to see in the actual movie, the morons who watch trailer 2 are gonna be all mad and stuff because now they don't really need to see a movie that they really wanted too.

  My message comes in two parts: One to the geniuses who release a 2nd trailer, and another to the sad impatient movie freaks that watch the 2nd trailer. Geniuses, stop. Don't do that. Don't break what is already broken. And freaks, be smart. If the geniuses fail at doing their jobs to release one trailer only, make it your job to not delve into a horrible mistake. Never watch trailer 2, my brothers and sisters. NEVER. 

  Don't make two trailers, and don't watch the second trailer if someone decides to say "Hey, I know! Guys, I have an idea! How about we make another trailer, but instead just add more stuff! You know, like stuff everybody wanted to see when the movie came out! No, no, they're not spoilers! Guys? Guys?!?! Fine, I'M gonna do it!"

  Oh, and if you want me to flash out some examples or whatever, you're so depressingly wrong. You want examples? Well, if you're gonna pretend this never happened to you (One trailer shows something that you believe could've waited to be seen on screen), go to any movie with 2 trailers and tell me I'm wrong.

  Until next we meet.