What is Up with Angry Birds?

  I think I speak for everyone when I say that if you have a touch-screen tablet of any size (try out our new bigger than an iPhone but smaller than an iPad! Apple.) or type, you know what I’m talking about when I say these words: Angry. Birds. Angry Birds.

 

  So, how have our little violent birdies been doing? Okay, well, they recently teamed up with Lucasfilms and created a Star Wars (eeeeeeeeeeek!!) version of their fling-birds-at-stuff game, and a while before that they had this weird space version in which I myself was only a fan of the water planet levels. The people at the company that made this game, Rovio, I think, are probably swimming in a pool of money right now. And the second they release Angry Birds Transformers (please?) I’m gonna be standing there with my dollar ninety-nine, ready to exercise my finger again for a few hours.

  So what happened? Well, my friends, I just wanted to share with you a few things I noticed about this franchise that were kind of ridiculous. Here’s What is Up with Angry Birds:

  @. Useless birds: As I mentioned before, Rovio released a space version of the game that introduced zero-G and all that, and I wasn't a huge fan of it. Call me picky. The interesting thing, though, was that it introduced new birds. The birds were more like redesigns of old birds, upgraded versions you could say. And that brings topic number one: Rovio has made a lot of very useless birds. We have:

     

       a.The red bird: This guy has never been useful. You always start off with him, and using him is hopeless. He has no strong points (like the black bird is strong against rock and the blue bird is strong against glass) and he has no special ability. He is the most useless bird of late, and I’m pretty darn sure that Rovio made him up to serve the sole purpose of being a symbol. No, no, not a bird who can actually BREAK something, nope, make our symbol a fat, red ball with a beak that squeals when you chuck it at wood. I swear, sometimes, I feel like going out and extinct-ing this bird.

        

       b.The green bird: What the bald monkey?! What is this bird supposed to be, a toucan?! Yeah, well toucans are a dumb idea of a bird of war (so is a chicken, but hey, dive-bombing eggs was NOT a bad idea). They’re meant to be exotic and beautiful, especially their beaks. Thanks to Rovio, the beak of a toucan now serves as a boomerang. Hooray. That’s just what we needed; we’ve been BEGGING for a bird that you can’t aim with. I’m not lying when I say that every level of Angry Birds that I haven’t finished features the freakin’ toucan. He is very useless in the fact that when you ‘boomerang’ him, he just flops onto the floor and barks. What?! I’ve even tried throwing him BACKWARDS for crying out loud, then boomeranging him so he can fly forward, but I guess then I've just replaced the red bird with the same thing.

       c.The orange bird: He’s the newest, and literally the DUMBEST. Here, let me explain: ya throw him, wait for a few seconds, and then he gets fat.

  I take it back, the red bird can at least kill exposed pigs, but THIS guy, sheesh, he just…inflates. That’s it. That may sound awesome to you, but when you try him out, you just find yourself waiting for him to deflate and disappear so you can get back to, you know, KILLING PIGS.

  @.Gets owned by the bad guys: So, the plot of Angry Birds (I know you know what it is but shut up and let me finish) is this: Pigs steal eggs, birds want revenge. The pigs are the bad guys. Who doesn’t love bad guys? Seriously, name any hero or protagonist whose villain isn’t just THAT much cooler than him/her? The Joker from Batman, Darth Maul from Star Wars (eeeeeeeeeeeek!!), and the zombies from the Walking Dead (eek) all have the same quality: They kick butt cheeks. And fortunately, that is also the case with Angry Birds. Rovio released a pig’s version of their game last year, which of course had a different gameplay style and goal. You build contraptions out of random items the game throws at you and try to get to ‘the other side’ (Fringe reference). And let me tell you, no matter what your kids think, this game is just awesome. No more than two dollars, folks. You gotta get it. It is really fun. And while Angry Birds is oh-kaaaay, Bad Piggies beats it with flying colors (or flying pigs.) I guess this isn’t…really a rage. Sorry.

  @.Murder: This makes me very sad. This fills my eyes with H20. My heart just rips itself into non-existence. MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING. Why? Why, Rovio? Why would you do this? Why would you put this horrible tragedy in our minds? ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS PLAY A GAME, ROVIO!! MURDER IS NOT A GAME! DO YOU THINK MURDER IS A GAME ROVIO?! This specific…rage, if you may, has two terrible, terrible factors: 

  

  One, if the sole purpose of your war is to get your eggs back, why on Earth would you just commit suicide? The birds are committing!! Suicide!! They’re killing themselves. They’re blowing themselves up, breaking their own bodies, and flinging themselves at sharp edges to get their babies back! Why you doin’ it if your jut gonna end up dead? Why would you leave those eggs without parents? Why?! 

  

  And number two: if the sole purpose of your war is to get your eggs back, why is the white bird basically CRAPPING out eggs onto the freakin’ battlefield?! I know that I mentioned this as an awesome idea, but still...when you think about it, it's really revolting. And, considering the fact that you HAVE to have eggs, can’t the white bird just…make some more? These are not hidden factors, my friends. This is MURDER. And that is very…I just can’t take it anymore. How could you forget what you’re fighting for? You murder yourself to save your kids, and then you murder your kids to save your kids? This has to be stopped.

  In conclusion, I hope I haven’t ruined Angry Birds for you, because they try really hard. So just…try harder, ‘kay?

Until next we meat (see what I did there? ‘meat’? pigs?).

p.s.: Um…the female birds lay the eggs and watch over them, right? Juuuuuuuuuust checking…..-.-.

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