RWNR: TMNT 2014 Expanded

  Well, the good news is, Splinter's nose is safe. That's...about it.

  I'm back, you know, form beyond and whatnot (writer's block), and I have the LATEST (I might have to revise my trailer 2 rants) TMNT 2014 movie trailer to thank for waking me out of my slumber.

  What do we have now? Well, the same issues as before, except here I'd like to point out a few things I missed while revising the first trailer. See, the problem with that one was that the Turtles were kinda shoved aside for the explosions and other exposition, so I got glimpses of 'em as reminders that they're in the movie. In the latest trailer, and also these new posters that came out, you can finally see them. What they look like, how they're gonna look. 

  First, the trailer:

  

  Now, the posters, a closer look, if you will (and if you say "cooool!!!", I will find you and I will fight you):


He looks uncomfortable. His head looks like a shriveled pea, and I've already "complemented" his chest flutes. And is he wearing cargo shorts?! What?!


The lips. Good LORD the lips. He's so CREEPY. But that aside, take a look at the paraphernalia. Thank God he has a seatbelt on because, hey, Ninja work sure is BUMPY. The knee pads seem a bit much, why the heck does he need shades, and the worst part? His SNEAKERS. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wearing sneakers. I get the "new look must fit with today's mainstream"...oh, no, wait, I don't. You didn't have to do that. They're just THERE. Where'd he find sneakers that fit his two-toed feet perfectly? Can you imagine the noise those'll make? They're NINJAS. Also, what's with the beads?


Now, here's the one I don't have a problem with. The irony is that Raph has always been my favorite Toytle (I swear I'm not playing favorites). The gruff look, the nearly-covers-his-whole-face mask, the tattered...stuff (why are they wearing clothes? That sounds weird, I know, but why are they wearing clothes?), the hulking frame, it all fits. Raph is the hot-head, the "bad-cop". He should look rough. Now, in the trailer, he's got shades too. Ridiculous. They operate in the NIGHT, you don't wear shades in the DARK.


WHAT. THE BUTT. HAVE YOU DONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? THE "NERD" THING THAT'S BEEN GOIN' ON WITH DONNY LATELY. HE WAS NEVER A "NERD", HE WAS JUST SMART! SMART PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS NERDS. BUT NOOOOOOO, DECK HIM IN...WHAT THE HECK IS HE WEARING?! IS THAT A CAMERA CREW ON HIS BACK? IS THAT A KEYBOARD ON HIS THIGH? DON'T FORGET THE "NERDY" GLASSES, 'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS DONNY HAS POOR EYE-SIGHT, SOMEHOW, AND THEY FOUND THE RIGHT LENSES FOR HIM, SOMEHOW. I CAN ALMOST SEE DONNY VINING AND INSTAGRAMMING HIS FIGHTS WITH THE GO-PRO ON HIS FOREHEAD, AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WI-FI SET-UP ON HIS FREAKING CHEST. FOR THE LAST TIME: NINJA TURTLES! HOW CAN HE OPERATE IN THIS?!

  Well, now you really understand my pain. I grew up with these guys. They were lean, green, pizza-eating, shell-kicking machines. They operated in the shadows, struck without warning, protected the city from dangers it didn't know existed. They could never be seen, they were trained to vanish without a trace.

  But they're decked in so much stuff! I already looked past the fact that they're HUGE, but hey, mutagen does that to ya. I respect that. They got jacked with toxic ooze, make 'em look menacing. But that's it! That's enough! Make 'em look 21st century or whatever, but don't make 'em look more like freaks than they already do (freaks in a good way). If you really expect me to believe that no one can figure out that giant turtles covered in clinking beads and beeping motherboards and headsets and squeaky sneakers are running around, you need to stick to Transformers, Bay! They can make all the noise you want; they're giant robots! Ninja Turtles? Geez, I'm surprised you didn't give Mikey a boombox. 

  Now, if you're thinking any of the following, I answer you in kind (and RAGE OF CRIMSON RED):

  a) What if they're not going for the "sneaky ninjas in the shadows thing?". They are. You hear them say it in the trailer. Literally, after they beat the crap out of a bunch of guerrillas (and throw those guerrillas into trains quietly), they bound off to the rooftops and slap high-fives, hooting "like shadows in the night! COMPLETELY unseen!". They were trained to be stealthy, and then they went out wearing their Captain Obvious costumes.
  b) Perhaps they were trained to be stealthy even when decked in jingle bells? Shut up. That's bull crap.               

                            

My sons, I will now teach you the ninja art of stopping soundwaves.

   Now you think I forgot about Splinter. Well, you catch a glimpse of him in the trailer, and I guess you can't really mess him up, can you? Maybe give him the boombox (now THAT would be pretty sweet). Thanks to the "screw the fans" disease, though, we already know from this trailer that he loses his fight against Megatron.

  Wait, what? Oh, I'm sorry, I misread "Michael Bay's new-found robot fetish version of the Shredder" as Megatron. How silly of me.

  Yup, they're jacking up Shredder, too. Gotta have that "Sci-Fi" edge...oh, wait, you already have mutant Turtles, so no, don't make Shredder's simple, cool enough, Japanese-style combat armor into a next-gen exo-suit with floating spikes that screams "don't you love it when all the bad guys are grey and spiky?" (Megatron, The Fallen, Starscream, etc.).

  I'm not gonna pay to watch this movie without GOOD reviews. The action looks promising, but I might not be able to stomach the Batman jokes and Leonardo acting like a drill instructor.

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RWNR: TMNT 2014OOOOOOHMYGOD!!!

  siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhh........

  I had been so excited when I heard that someone was working on a new TMNT movie. I've been a Turtles fan for years; I was never a part of the original series, but TMNT 2003 was my jam back in the day. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Say that out loud a few times and just think about how that could be awesome. 

  It was. It was very awesome. I've even run into a few comics; there was one series that was in black and white where the Turtles were in a darker world and were more violent and Batman-y, while the latest one, written by the original creator, is more modern and is getting really good reviews (I can't find them anywhere!).

                               

They're cooler than they look, trust me.

  The only TMNT movie I've ever watched was, well, TMNT (animated). I didn't hate it; came to love it, actually. I watch that crap at least once every year. It really showed what the Turtles meant to each other without the span of a whole series, introduced some cool villains, and even birthed the Nightwatcher! Spoilers aside, I personally think that dude was cooler than Batman. Now I will go try to convince my brethren that I didn't say that and in fact do not deserve the Death Penalty.

  Anyway, my point is, the Turtles rock, and seeing how technology and the way movies are done have progressed, hearing that they're getting a new movie is really exciting. What could go wrong? CGI the Turtles, get an actor with a cool voice for Shredder, a few parkour-ists for the Foot Clan, and have 'em beat the shell out of each other.

  So why did this happen?

eeeehhh....

  I had already known beforehand that the Turtles were gonna look horrible, but Sweet Cheezits those look bad! Well, somehow, the character designer for this movie caught the "screw the fans" disease. You know what I'm talking about; anytime something, anything, is turned into a live action movie, be it a book or a cartoon, they'll hire a character designer who doesn't give a crap. He/she'll take like one look at how the characters basically look and then'll scoff and vomit their own image of how they think the characters should look. In fact, now that I think about it, this doesn't necessarily apply only to live action movies (Sonic Boom, for instance). 

  How did the disease affect the victim this time?

  "Yo, I need a design for Leonardo."

  "Who?"

  "You know, the Ninja Turtle with the blue mask. The one with the swords?"

  "Oh, yeah, yeah, that guy. What'd you say he was? A ninja turtle? The heck is that?"

  "A turtle that's a ninja, I don't know! That's your job. Use your freakin' imagination!"

  "Okay, okay, calm down"

  "...well?"

  "I got it: Native American Flute Vest."

  "Bingo. See, that's why you da man!"

  Ninjas. NINJAS. Not Apache chiefs! In it's defense, though, Leo's actually the worst one. Mickey's not that bad. Donny's been going through some stuff (lately, everyone believes he should be smothered in technology. You know, like all nerds that live in the sewers are). And Ralph just looks bulky and muscular.   

  These, however, are individual designs. Overall, though?

  The Turtles SUCK!!!!!

  I was sitting there, wondering "what's wrong with them? Why can't I stand looking at them?" when it hit me. I realized. I saw the light. I understood where they went wrong.

  

  Here, let's play a game (why, yes, Jigsaw is a personal friend of mine). It's a very old but popular game that I'm sure most of you are used to by now. It's called "find the odd one out". Let's begin, shall we?

 

 

This should be easy...

  

  And why did you choose that horrid piece of crap at the bottom right? He has a freakin' NOSE!

  Think about it for a few seconds. Look at all of those animated versions and think about why we were never scared of them. Think about why we never thought "eeeeeewwww, those are good guys?" back when we used to watch the TV-shows or the movies. Look at all four of those pictures and let the answer come to you.

  It's the nose! They've never had NOSES, what the crap?!!?! They've always been, like, beak-based or something. The very least they've ever had are nostrils. But coming soon, they'll all have a freakin' NOSE. 

  And why, pray tell, is a nose so bad? Simple. They look too human. They were never supposed to look like human beings. Otherwise, it would have been called "Teenage Ninjas"...and that's it. A mutated Turtle does not and should never resemble a human being. Why do these guys scare me? Because they look like ugly, green monks with three fingers and jacked up faces. Their shells look more like backpacks.

  I can't wait to see Splinter.

                     

What, they gonna take away his nose?

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RWNR: Sonic Boom

  Listen, I've known Sonic the Hedgehog since I could talk, and I've always been more of a TV guy than a gaming guy, so you can kind of see where the problem is here. I mean, it's not like Sonic didn't have any TV series. I can only remember watching some of Sonic X, but for some reason I never got into it. I guess I always wanted to see something a bit more like this (you don't have to watch it; I'm just trying to make a point. You should watch it, though...just watch it!):

The beginning of the videogame Sonic: Unleashed.

  Yes, I know I'm picky when it comes to visuals, but it's not like this type of animation (close to it) hasn't been done on TV. Have you seen the Clone Wars?

  Anyway, the story involving Sonic and friends isn't that important to me. I just like the furry rascals. They're a classical "save-the-day" bunch we see all the time, but the total uniqueness of their designs are icing on the cake. A hedgehog with super-speed? A two-tailed flying fox? RAZOR SHARP KNUCKLES? I didn't what a hedgehog, echidna or knuckles were before Sonic (games, comics, etc.). As long as they're doing their thing and looking the part, I'll always love it.

  Just make sure you don't wreck them to the point of no return!

  I saw the headlines of the new Sonic Boom series that's coming soon or whatever. Apparently, there's gonna be a game based on the TV show, or a TV Show based on the game, or they'll both need each other, or SOMETHING. I don't really care. I'm here about the show; I could give less craps about the game (Shadow the Hedgehog and Zero Gravity; that's it). If you're interested, here's what they're doin'.

  Now, the show's gonna air on Disney XD . Disney XD is the "not dumb sit-coms" section of Disney (okay, they show re-runs of old sit-coms, but it's mostly the stuff Disney calls cool). When I heard about this show last year, they had some silhouettes of the character designs they were going for:

Oh, no...

  Umm, last I checked, gloves don't grow finger holes (Knuckles...), mutant echidnas don't have growth spurts (Knuckles...!), and steroids don't grow on trees (KNUKCLES...!). Why? WHY? Just make a show, FOR ONCE, without spraying what you wish a character looked like all over our brains and saying "deal with it"! You just couldn't leave them alone, could you? Oh, well. Knuckles is a strong guy, why not make him buff? What the heck. Survivable.

  And then there's this:

Don't give me "work in progress". You already released a trailer, you jacks!

  

  Okay, no. Knuckles, you didn't need to change, but if it was only you, and it wasn't a horrible idea, I could've survived this. Yet for some reason, Amy looks more like a "you know what" than an innocent, physical-age boosted 12-year-old (look it up). And what's with the mummification? I guess they're going for a "rebels" thing to make them look more rough than usual and make you take them more seriously (they're not meant to be taken seriously, just wait for it), but why are their SHOES wrapped? Why are Sonic's GLOVED hands wrapped? "Bandages" doesn't always mean "cool", you know!

I rest my case.

  Also, why did buffing up Knuckles mean starving Sonic? The poor guy's anorexic! Sonic wasn't chubby or anything, but by furry standards he was, like, fit or something. Here he looks like he was stretched torture style by two cars on opposite sides with chains. In fact, he looks like the skinny guy on the street who sold Knuckles his steroids!

  The final straw was the preview. Watch it if you can:

Take a deep breath...okay, it's not THAT bad...okay, it is.

  The action and the animation is lazy and poor. The humor is horrible. Why did Tails make a funny face if he was ABOUT TO DIE, and why didn't Sonic use his spin-dash instead of pulling a TARZAN with a tazer? I know it's a preview, but previews are meant to either hype you up or mystify you. This made me evaporate with disappointment. I hope it'll get better.

  Oh, yeah, and Sonic's voice actor sucks. Wherever the dude who voices him in the games is better take the money and shut up because he is needed right now. He's like the only guy who can get it right. For some reason, people have been seeing Sonic and thinking "squeaky" or "puberty cracking" (okay, that last one is new. Did you here him?! GOD!), but whoever he is in the games gets it just right, a little between "I'm twenty-years old" deep and "I'm a kid at heart" high...wait, what? Say that again? BLASPHEMY! For the last most recent Sonic games, the voice actor for Sonic in them was...the same guy here! How is that possible?

  Well, I went through a few stuff and saw that around the time "Sonic and Sega All-Stars Racing" came out, Sonic's voice actor took a swerve. Nowadays, if look at the credits of whatever, you'll find Roger Craig Smith voicing Sonic (Sonic Free Riders, Olympic Winter Games 2014, Sonic Generations for example). If you look at any time before that, you'll find Jason Griffith as Sonic. How did I not notice this? Well, the Smith guy started out when I stopped playing games that have Sonic in 'em. In fact, I actually got Sonic and Sega All-Stars Racing (witch featured Jason Griffith), but by the time the other version of this game came out (there was demand for that? Really?), I was no longer interested. How convenient that that's when the voice actor changed to the new guy! It's weird, though, 'cause it's like every Sonic featuring game I have has gotten a sequel and a new voice actor, both of which didn't tickle my fancy (did I use that right?). Sonic Riders and Sonic Riders Zero Gravity (both of which I played and loved) featured Griffith, while Sonic Free Riders (which I never played) literally featured Smith. Guess who voiced Sonic in Smash Bros. (the Wii one)? Griffith, played it, loved it. Guess who's voicing him in the new Smash Bros.? Hasn't been revealed yet, but my money's on Smith (guess who's not getting a Wii-U?).

  It's like they know. They're after me, and possibly others, and they want us out. Even here, in Sonic Boom, they've got the Smith guy, and I'm not sure I'm gonna watch this show (I've give the first ep a shot, but that preview above is not helping). We won't let them break us, though! Keep Sonic the way he is! BRING BACK GRIFFITH! LONG LIVE GRIFFITH (not Andy, I didn't know him that well)!

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There've Been Some Changes...

  Greetings. I've been putting off writing anything here for way too long now, but with the rise of a ton of new hobbies, interests, and overall dumb stuff that sucks that I hate that nobody will listen to me rage about...I'M BACK BABY!!!!

  Now, true to the title, there will be a new system implemented on this shrine of awesomeness, but don't fret. I mean, they're not bad ideas or anything, but who doesn't go ape from spontaneous change? Anybody see what they're doing to Chrome these days? That new scroll bar, man. Sheesh.

My scrollbaaaaaaaar!!!! (what was wrong with the last one?)

Anyway, things change, boo-hoo, stop crying. I've devised an ingenious set-up that will make this blog much easier to navigate and hopefully single out posts for certain interests. How cool is that? Congratulate me. That wasn't a request. DO IT.

  From now on, my posts will fall under these particular categories (number of titles listed here non-permanent. Maybe.):

:D/ Anime Episode Review (real name TBA).

:D/ TV Show Episode Review (real name TBA).

:D/ Book Review (real name TBA).

:D/ Movie Review (real name...you get it!).

:D/ Stuff From My Head.

:D/ Real World News Reaction (RWNR. I like it.).

  That's all for now, and I'm really hoping I start busting this stuff out soon and frequently.

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Jeez-Mail

  This is simply a shout out to all of the people who actually know me and have my g-mail account in their contacts, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who has this problem with their friends. 
  
  Have you ever been criticized for something you didn't do, like you couldn't find your dad's stuff 'cause it wasn't in the place he told you it was but then he whips it out five seconds later? And no matter how many times you explain it, people still get up in your business about the same crap not two days later? Well, my friends have recently noticed that I "don't read my emails".
  
  Here's where I started to lose it.
  
  Number one, I DO read my emails. What they don't seem to understand from me telling them day after day is that, thanks to the laptop and internet I've been allowed to have, I check my g-mail inbox EVERY SINGLE DAY. I click on Chrome everyday, and all of my bookmarks and favorites open up automatically. I check new posts on my favorite websites, see what new videos my subscriptions have notified me about, scroll through my online course over-due lessons, and I check my email. Every time. Every day. The g-mail window is, like, right there. In fact, I can't not check my email. I'm always logged on, and the new emails just stare me in the face, basically saying "read me".
  
  Now, here's where they started to lose it.
  
  "Bro, did you get my email?"
  "Which one?"
  "Oh, that's right, you never check your email."
  "Bro, just tell me which one. How do you know I didn't see it?"
  "Nope, you never check it, I'm sure you didn't see it."
  "Just tell me which one, dude!"
  "The one about the blah-blah-blah."
  "Oh, yeah, I saw it. That was pretty interesting. Why were you so convinced I hadn't seen it?"
  "You didn't reply."

Wh-wh-wha? Wh...What? WHAT?! Huh?! Wh..?!

  Someone actually said that to me! And before I knew it, I realized that if I don't reply to an email when everyone else did, everyone assumes I didn't even see it! It's as if the "reply" button to me is the "okay, I read your useless, waste-of-time, oh-my-god-new-gaming-console email" button to everyone else!

  

  People, I can READ. It's possible with eyes, I swear. I look at words and I can read them. If your email consists of words and I see it, I can read it. I WILL read it. If I don't reply to your email, don't immediately assume that I'm dismissing it or that I didn't care enough to click on it. In fact, on that note, if someone who can change the g-mail format reads this, you should add a little side box for everyone to see how many of the guys they sent an email to clicked on it. Shouldn't be too hard. Then they won't attack you on the streets in front of your house.

  

  Another thing that may be considered a personal preference of mine is the availability of an interesting, or in the very least available, subject on an email. The email window gives you the "option" to place a subject of the matter you'd like to share with your cohorts. Bro, that's not an option. That's a freakin' requirement. If an email says "no subject", I personally don't even click on it. I feel like I was denied something really important, or that the person sending the email is, like, daring me or taunting me by not telling me what's going on. Even in real-life, you don't just go see your friend for no reason. Yeah, that's what I see subjects as: a reason. 
  
  When someone comes over, the first thing that comes to your mind, if you hadn't invited that person, is "why are they here?" or "what do they want?" or simply "what's up?". And when you go to the door, that person won't just stroll into your house and start doing stuff. No. They'll tell you what's up, and a series of events spawn. It could be good news, bad news, funny news. But you need to know what type of news is going on or you'll just be confused, your mind constantly repeating "so?". So yeah, me checking my email is me chilling at home, the email itself is my friend suddenly showing up, and the subject of the email is what's up. Then the rest of the email is what goes on after that.

  
  If an email didn't have a subject, then no, I didn't read it, because you intentionally made me not care. "What's the email about? Click it and find out!" That's not gonna happen. What the heck do you want to tell me? 

  Now, if an email does have a subject, and it seems relevant to life depending on my mood, I'll read the preview. Then, if I'm interested, I'll click the full link. If I see a "check this out..." or a "hey, I was wondering..." or something like that, and the subject has already given me a look into what this might be about, you have me interested. But if I see a "no subject" and then a bunch of "hey dude lol chck ths out rlly fnny #lmao", go home and cry rivers because I don't care at that point. 

  
  Anyone who disagrees and is reading this now, tell me you would have read this post if there hadn't been a title. If you say yes, I won't freakin' believe you until you make a video with you saying with a straight face that you wouldn't have cared for a title on this post and post it in the comments section. In fact, if five people tell me in the comments that they don't care if there's a title or not, my next eventual post won't have one. Then you tell me that you didn't shiver.

No title? sssssssssssssssss.....that sucks.

   I mean, jeez! 

  Until next we meet.