Lightning Pick: I'm Not Worthy AnyThor

   

   I know, I know, late reaction, whatever. The thing is, I actually wrote this as a comment on ComicVine back when this WAS fresh, but now I'm like "I have a blog, dude," so I decided to fix it up a little andpost it here as an article (is that what these are called? Or do I have to call them posts?).

  Anyway, you guys know about this, right?

"Hey, Thor, what...uh...happened to your "chest" there, buddy?"

  Let me get this clear, I'm not a Thor fan. In fact, I'm anit-Thor, the dude's lame. I know a handful o' Thor facts and stuff, though, but I just aint into him. Not enough to care about this; we've seen it before. They just want everyone to go "WHAAAAAAT" and then work from there. According to what they're saying over at Marvel, this is "Thor" now. Not Thoretta, not She-Thor, Not Ms./Mrs. Thor, and not Thorkeisha. This is THOR now. My thing here, though, isn't entirely about that, but more about Mjolnir, the hammer itself. Heads-up: this is more of an "I don't get it" thing than an explanation. I don't CARE. I just also don't get it. I care more about getting it than it, you get it?

  
  Okay, "blahblahblah worthy shall wield the power of Thor". Hmm. That's cool. I mean, I guess. But what is the power of Thor, exactly? To control lightning and thunder and fly? Okay, so you get Thor's powers? Cool. As long as you're worthy, weather you're a frog or an alien-horse guy, you'll get the power of Thor.
   
   
        
                                                    Yes, they exist. I'm not that creative.

  
  Now, the question, and I might not be phrasing this right, but bear with me. Who is Thor? I mean, he's Odin's son, right? Odin had a son, named him Thor, and I guess granted him a specific power that he can wield through his hammer. I don't know the hammer's origins, so there might be some complex backstory that i'm not aware of, but as far as I, and anyone on the street who knows who Thor is, understand is that lightning and thunder are Thor's powers. You wield the hammer, you get the power of Thor.

  
  Now here, this says Thor is no longer worthy...huh? THOR is no longer worthy to wield the power of...THOR? Like, it would be WAY different if it was "wield the power of lightning and thunder" or simply "wield the power of Mjolnir". That way it would be more like a Lantern Corps thing, you know, the worthy get the power and all that. But it says "the power of Thor". It's the dude's name on the hammer. It's HIS power. How are you not worthy of being yourself? Is "Thor" a concept all of a sudden, like the Avatar or something? You know, Aang was a male Avatar, now Korra's a female one? Do you become a "Thor"? Apparently, you become "Thor" if Odin's son Thor is no longer worthy to wield Thor's/his own specified power. I mean, how does that work?

 You HAD the touch! You HAD the powaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

  Before, if you were worthy, you got a hammer and his powers. Thor was still worthy, though. But now, since Thor himself isn't worthy, who or what decides on a new..."Thor"? Is Thor no longer Thor? Marvel's saying this chick is Thor. Are there two Thors? And even if that's how it goes (am I thinking too deeply about this?) why would this random chick become THE Thor? Why not someone who's, I dunno, ALREADY WORTHY? Beta Ray Bill, Thunderstrike (is he still alive and/or current?), they just became "hand-me-down Thors". Why is she THOR Thor? She might not be a RANDOM woman, granted, but even if she is someone known, she wasn't worthy to wield Thor's POWER until now. Why is she all of a sudden worthy to BE Thor? 

  
  How many FREAKIN' times did I write Thor?
  
  Also, he has an axe now. Meet Jarnbjorn, guys!  

I can still...call myself Thor, right? 

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Head-Scratchers: X Marks the NOT

  HEAD-SCRATCHERS

  Head-Scratchers is where I write about stuff that made me literally scratch my head in confusion (most probably scenes in movies or TV-shows). I then procede to explain why the particular event made no sense to me and try to fix it...if it can be fixed.  

  As I revisit X-Men: Days of Future Past, I realize why I was scratching my head every time something "significant" happened. I mean, we can ALL agree the whole movie was a jacked-up-continuity antidote. The director fixed literally EVERYTHING. He even fixed mistakes that he made in the movie itself, which is hilarious to me because it shows that all along the dude(s? There were different directors for each X-Men movie, right?) didn't even care since they knew, like, NOTHING mattered. "Oop, you changed TIME man! SHOOT. We can remake these mistakes now, though, which is nice."

They...never even LOOKED for my body, did they? Wow...thank goodness Kitty Pryde can control...Kitty Pryde can control time?! And I still have to wear these dumb shades? JEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAN!!!!!!

  As I was saying (off-track is what I do best. Which isn't a good thing.), head-scratchers. Gotta love 'em. They keep the balance in this world where people like to tell stories. They help you figure stuff out, fix things at the roots (the freakin' space-time continuum doesn't count), and make things clear. Whenever I watch an X-Movie, I scratch my head. They make 'em like that, I do NOT know how. Since this one involved TIME, though, and since I LIKED this movie, it feels kinda good to...well, scratch that itch off.

Event: Kitty Pryde can control time.

Scratch Timer: 0.0000000000000000001 seconds ASE (After Scene Ended).

  Imma get this one out of the way because I'm sure everyone caught this one: Kitty Pryde's "send your mind through time" powers. Y'know what? After I found out that was what they were going for, I didn't even care. X-Movies just can't help it. They can't. Something has to be thrown in there that makes less sense than Olympic Balls (I swear it's a thing. A sport. But air-hockey? Naaaaaah). According to them, you belong in a mental institution if you'd even considered casting a mutant who can control time. Heck, you'd be execution-worthy if you'd considered addressing Kitty's  new powers! We can't go that far, guys! It doesn't work!

Logic?! In MY kingdom?! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!

  I'm not even kidding. The movie didn't even address her knew powers. This is not nit-pick, by the way. As a part of the audience, don't tell me "duh she can do that". As far as I'm concerned, she can't!!! A new character, with a new back-ground and power set, can have that privilege. You can throw him in there. WE DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

Who was this kid? Yeah, THIS is the only pic I could find of him...you coulda used him! He was looking for Xavier's! "Hi, I'm a mutant who can control time. Let me help you!" Sorry, kid, Kitty Pryde's got that covered. "B-but I can walk through walls, too!" She can do that, too. "Really? I just made that up!" I know, right? MUTANTS, bro. Mutants.

  But Kitty Pryde? The girl who can walk through walls? Yeah, we know her. Oh, you changed her? Cool! How? When? WHY?! I'D LOVE TO KNOW! All the characters had to do was say "Your new power really comes in handy these days, Kitty. Aren't we glad you went through puberty TWICE," and be done with it! Would that have cost more? Did you not feel like it or something? Gosh, even a deleted scene woulda been nice, 'cause at least we'd know you tried!

Event: How Sentinels in the future were made/what happened in the future.

Scratch Timer: 2-3 minutes ASE.

  Okay, so the story's not so bad. I mean, we kidnapped Mystique and used her mutant shapeshifting abilities to make Sentinels that can adapt to any situation. Somehow. Then we took over the world in a buncha years. Okay. Wait. WHAT?! This is a continuity cookie, by the way, and since they snapped the time-line's spine and gave it a new one, this doesn't really count. But I still scratched my head the same. I mean, this was back in the 70s or something, right? And Mystique was FINE and with MAGNETO in X-es 1, 2, and 3 (saying 3 makes my head hurt), which is YEARS later. So either of two things must have happened. One, Boliver Trask straight up let her go, which doesn't make sense because he doesn't actually like mutants (really? huh), or two, she flat out escaped. Either way, these highly likely events lead to the same conclusion: she goes back to the Brotherhood. You expect me to believe she doesn't tell Magnus what they did to/with her the second she got back? 

"Oh, yeah, I just remembered. They, like, did some stuff with my stuff to make robots that can, like, totally kill, like, all of us. We should probably, like, do somethin' about that, huh? My bad."

  And for those of you who are saying "what if they wiped her memory?", it's not like Eric is stupid. He knows they did something, and it didn't take him decades to figure that out.   

  Basically, the X-Men's outrageous attempt to make all of that future-stuff never happen is about as useless as Olympic Balls (not letting it gooooooo) after that fact. Magneto would've gone to the factory and wrecked the crap out of everything like the boss he is, and the future would be all nice and mutant-y (yeah, how does he know where the factory is, right? Shut up, it's not impossible, okay? Geez, explain stuff to yourself for once...I'm sorry, that was mean). After I heard that explanation, I literally sat through the whole movie thinking "Dude, NONE of this is happening right now".

Event: Sentinels.

Scratch Timer: Just now (Months ASE).

  Holy crap, were the Sentinels not made of metal in the future? I mean, the whole seventies part of the movie is about Magneto using his awesome-juice (that came out wrong. That did, too) to control the Sentinels. Anyway, getting to that in a sec.

Event: Future X-Men final battle.

Scratch Timer: 1 second after Bishop says "We can't stop that many."

  They're so strong. Yes, it's a movie, there has to be development and tragedy and "messages", and yes, the fight was pretty freakin' cool (that Blink/Colossus fast-ball TOTALLY owns Wolvie's), but as a die-hard-core X-Men fan, I know the ins and outs of ALL of their powers, and I know that they are way too strong to have lost that fight. Storm ALONE could have stopped those Sentinels if she wanted to, especially grown-up future Storm who is most probably an expert at, you know, controlling weather. She makes a mini hurricane before the Sentinel drop-ships are even close to their base. If that wasn't enough, she could've gone with a lightning storm, a horde of ginormous tornadoes, pretty much any disaster you can imagine. Yet for some reason she wasted precious time supercharging an X-Jet to explode and flinging it in the middle of the enemy armada. 

  This is Storm...

                              

 

                   ...and this is you ("Uh, guys?").                                      "Adapt to this."

  And this is one mutant, out of a team of, what, five or six? All of whom were trained by "mutants-vs-robots" tactical genius Charles Xavier. These guys train in simulations of situations like this all the time. At some point, I began to notice that Blink was opening her portals EVERYWHERE. Make them run into each other, already! Or, y'know, more fast-ball specials. Those are cool. 

  And don't even get me started on Bishop. I don't know what it is with giving black people in X-Men movies incredible powers and then killing them in the dumbest possible ways, but they went too far this time. You know what, scratch that, they went too far LAST time. Remember Darwin from First Class? He had the ability to adapt to any possible situation, yet when Shaw went all "adapt to this" (the irony) and pushed a ball of kinetic energy into Darwin's mouth, he died. I mean, he straight up exploded.

Go home, powers. You're drunk.

  Don't tell me what can't happen to a character and then loophole it. That's kind of annoying. You'd think they woulda learned their lesson, but nope, they did it again. Bishop (a black guy. Weird, huh?) has the ability to absorb and release any and all forms of energy. Key word release. So when Sentinels begin to fire beams of energy at Bishop and he, I don't know, absorbs too much and explodes or something without attempting to release any of it and instead screams like a little girl and dies, immediate head-scratcher. What is it with blowing up bruthas who genetically can't blow up? 

Event: Magneto's death (did I...actually...write...those words...?).

Scratch Timer: 0.00000000000000000000000001 seconds ASE.

  what. what? What? WHAT?! He got...st-st-st-abbed by a peice...of m-m-m-FREAKIN' METAL?!?!?!?!? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE IMPOSSIBLE IMPOSSIBLE IMPOSSIBLE! YOU DON'T...KILL...THE MASTER OF MAGNETISM WITH MMMMMMMEEEEEEETTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!

  Okay. Whew. Okay. I'm sorry. It's just...he's the man. In fact, that didn't even kill him. I was over dramatizing. But man, did it slow him down. He was like...sitting there...hurt...by a piece of metal. 

 "What if the piece of metal was SENTINEL metal? Huh?!"

    If you said this...oh my GOD if you said this...close the window. Colse. The window. Don't read my blog ever again. Don't think about my blog ever again. Don't think. You need to go home, wash your mouth out with soap, cry yourself to sleep, and disappear from the face of the Earth. Seriously. Why are you still reading my inuslts? GET. LOST.

  For those of you with BRAINS, I don't even have to tell you that he was stopping shrapnel from the X-Jet/Bad-Guy-Fleet explosion with his powers, which means either he can control Sentinel metal (and if so, why isn't he on the front lines?) or he can't. If the latter is the case, this means ONE piece of  Sentinel "metal" slapped air resistance in the face, flew, from meters away, without hitting a single piece of normal metal, and planted itself in his chest. You know what else this concludes, though? Even if there is "Sentinel metal" that he can't control, he was controlling something. Something like the pieces of metal that belonged to the Sentinel drop-ships.

  (The following words are being typed by a clone, whom sits quietly in the corner and is pre-programmed to have no opinions on the matter at hand. In the event that the original author writes something that causes him to rage on unfathomable levels, this clone will step in and finish the blog post based on a pre-written conclusion created for exactly this matter.). 

  Basically, Magneto could've stopped those drop-ships before they even rounded the corner, whether he can manipulate Sentinels or not. Conclusively, the X-Men did not lose this fight.

  The movie was very cool, though. I just had to get that out of my system.

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Lightning Pick: Titans GO (Hollywood?)

  First off, Lightning Pick is where I write about things off the top of my mind. See, I created this blog because my voice wasn't being heard. I can go on for HOURS about stuff, and when I'm done I'm always like, "Man, that wasn't on record! People other than my neighbors (who don't agree) and my family (who don't agree or care) need to hear this!". Lightning Pick is where I put those juicy words on record. And now, it's time to begin...

Yes, Father. I shall become a Blogger...

  Second, don't be fooled. The Teen Titans are not GOing Hollywood...but hopefully there's a "yet" in there. They need to be GOing Hollywood, and here, at Lightning Pick's debut, I'm gonna explain why (ironically, around the time I started this post, I'd just finished saying all this upcoming stuff to my Dad, who was sick on the couch. The important thing here is a set of ears, my friends, and a headache doesn't take that away!).

  My main point here is that I (and I'm sure many other fans) want a DC film featuring more than Batman or Superman. Now, logically, DC would lean towards the Justice League, seeing as how they're a team of superheroes featuring, but not limited to, Batman and Superman. But you know what? In my opinion, that's the wrong direction to be taking. I mean, yeah, you can kinda see this plan as a logical answer to Marvel's The Avengers, but really, do we want to see a buncha characters (Bats, Supes, and WW, and apparently Aquaman) who we've grown tired of get thrown into a whole new world in one movie with zero adequate build-up? If DC is trying to work the Marvel formula, they have all the build-up they need...for the Teen Titans!

When there's trouble, you know who to caaaaaaaall...

  Here's why it would work. See, Marvel appealed to audiences by releasing awesome solo movies featuring okay enough superheroes for years, and then was like "YO, wouldn't it be SO PHAT if there was a movie with ALL OF THEM IN IT?! HUH?!", and it worked. There was hype, flavor, teasing, build-up. Now, everyone expects DC to answer with the same tactic. Batman reboot movie. Superman reboot movie. Green Lantern. Wonder Woman. The Flash. Aquaman. JUSTICE LEAGUE! And I admit, that would work, and it would work great, but DC is underestimating the hype and build-up they already have (and they're not doing that movie-ingredients thing, anyway). See, Marvel appealed with the amount of movies they made that introduced their characters. DC can appeal simply with characters. Like the TITANS.

Okay, maybe not ALL of them, but hey.

  The Titans were huge back in the day. The show had the perfect blend of humor, action, story, and characters that anyone could want in a cartoon. Kids and Teens (see what I did there?!) fell in love with Beast Boy, Raven, Robin, Cyborg, and, you know, that last annoying one...

When it starts goin' down, she's pretty cool, but even as a kid I couldn't stand the whole "I speak grammatically correctly because I am not from Earth and do not know this 'slang' you speak of" crap. Or maybe it was her voice. I mean, Martian Manhunter did that in JL, and he sounded AWESOME.

  ...and they still love 'em! Unfortunately, Teen Titans GO! (mentioning this show hurts my soul) isn't a nostalgic reawakening for the fans who grew up with the franchise. It's just a humor driven cartoon that follows a formula CN is using on this "next generation". But it's not like it isn't famous! Kids love the show. And now, you have guys like me who grew up with the show, guys who were my age when I was younger who appreciated the show, the handful of adults who thought it had promise, AND kids who are enjoying the characters and what they bring to the table today! SO MUCH AUDIENCE POTENTIAL. And if you think appealing to fans with characters won't draw in HUGE numbers of would-be-viewers, I have two things to say to you: TMNT and GOTG. These movies BLEW UP in the box office. They beat How to Train your Dragon 2 (that movie was amazing)!!! But with TMNT, they used appeal (I really hope I'm using that word right). There are TMNT fans from the 80s, 2003, and even 2014 with the new show! Who didn't want to see that (any sane person who saw the trailer, that's who)? And in my opinion, the only reason so many people decided to go see GOTG the first time is because nobody knew who they were (I knew who they were, and yet still meh.). I mean, you have a talking raccoon, voiced by Bradley Cooper, who's best friend is a talking tree guy, voiced by VIN FREAKIN' DIESEL. Who didn't want to go see that?! 

  So why not use the Teen Titans' characters to draw in fans? The next question is how. 

  Simple. As I've explained, I believe DC has all the build-up it needs already. You've rebooted Superman perfectly. He's out in the world, responsible for so much destruction and chaos in the name of justice, and just doomed his entire species (Man of Steel). He's off the chain. Also, you've given Batman his agenda. If DC is trying to tie in the Dark Knight Trilogy, you can start off where you left off: Batman is retired, presumed dead, but is now hearing about superhumans. A man who can fly, punch through steel, and shoot lasers out of his eyes just wrecked Metropolis, and that peaks his interest. 

But baby, you said you'd quit all that superhero stuff! YOU SAID WE'D BE TOGETHER FOREVER!!!

I feel you, sister...

  So what is Bruce to do? ROBIN. He's already chosen a protege. That cop guy form Rises could be Robin, carrying on Batman's legacy. Recast him if necessary, or heck, make him Nightwing. His age fits better as Nightwing, and Nightwing was with the Titans for a while in the comics. As long as you have the Bat-influence, it's all good. It could work. Retired Bruce gets in touch with Robin/Nightwing and goes "Listen up. Superhumans. They're out there. I'll deal with this Superman guy (if you still want your Dawn of Justice, there it is). You find the others. The young bucks, the ones that might cause trouble. Get 'em under control. Don't let 'em jack up Gotham. You can do this."

                                                      Challenge accepted.

  And now you have a story. Robin/Nightwing is living up to DKR Batman by going the ultimate distance to round up any young superhumans he can find and make sure they keep it together. Script writers can work from there, I'm sure. Get your conflict, your main villain, whatever. Throw Deathstroke in there, maybe have him hired by whoever to round up young metahumans too, make him run into Robin/Nightwing on multiple accounts. You can work your origin stories in there easily, because most people who don't read the comics don't have a clue as to what made the Titans who and what they are. You can even pull another branch from the Avengers formula and make 'em not get along at all with each other, preferably Cyborg or Starfire (remember, she's not from Earth). Save the Raven/Trigon stuff for a sequel or somethin'.

Teen Titans: Age of Trigon (see what I did THERE?!)

  And so there you have it! You have plenty of fans, a huge audience is certain, your build-up is secure enough at this point, and with some good action sequences, a fair dose of humor and darkness, and a easy-to-follow-and-accept story, you've got yourself a new franchise AND you've revived cinematic fame! IT COULD TOTALLY WORK!!!

TITANS, GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RWNR: TMNT 2014 Expanded

  Well, the good news is, Splinter's nose is safe. That's...about it.

  I'm back, you know, form beyond and whatnot (writer's block), and I have the LATEST (I might have to revise my trailer 2 rants) TMNT 2014 movie trailer to thank for waking me out of my slumber.

  What do we have now? Well, the same issues as before, except here I'd like to point out a few things I missed while revising the first trailer. See, the problem with that one was that the Turtles were kinda shoved aside for the explosions and other exposition, so I got glimpses of 'em as reminders that they're in the movie. In the latest trailer, and also these new posters that came out, you can finally see them. What they look like, how they're gonna look. 

  First, the trailer:

  

  Now, the posters, a closer look, if you will (and if you say "cooool!!!", I will find you and I will fight you):


He looks uncomfortable. His head looks like a shriveled pea, and I've already "complemented" his chest flutes. And is he wearing cargo shorts?! What?!


The lips. Good LORD the lips. He's so CREEPY. But that aside, take a look at the paraphernalia. Thank God he has a seatbelt on because, hey, Ninja work sure is BUMPY. The knee pads seem a bit much, why the heck does he need shades, and the worst part? His SNEAKERS. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wearing sneakers. I get the "new look must fit with today's mainstream"...oh, no, wait, I don't. You didn't have to do that. They're just THERE. Where'd he find sneakers that fit his two-toed feet perfectly? Can you imagine the noise those'll make? They're NINJAS. Also, what's with the beads?


Now, here's the one I don't have a problem with. The irony is that Raph has always been my favorite Toytle (I swear I'm not playing favorites). The gruff look, the nearly-covers-his-whole-face mask, the tattered...stuff (why are they wearing clothes? That sounds weird, I know, but why are they wearing clothes?), the hulking frame, it all fits. Raph is the hot-head, the "bad-cop". He should look rough. Now, in the trailer, he's got shades too. Ridiculous. They operate in the NIGHT, you don't wear shades in the DARK.


WHAT. THE BUTT. HAVE YOU DONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? THE "NERD" THING THAT'S BEEN GOIN' ON WITH DONNY LATELY. HE WAS NEVER A "NERD", HE WAS JUST SMART! SMART PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS NERDS. BUT NOOOOOOO, DECK HIM IN...WHAT THE HECK IS HE WEARING?! IS THAT A CAMERA CREW ON HIS BACK? IS THAT A KEYBOARD ON HIS THIGH? DON'T FORGET THE "NERDY" GLASSES, 'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS DONNY HAS POOR EYE-SIGHT, SOMEHOW, AND THEY FOUND THE RIGHT LENSES FOR HIM, SOMEHOW. I CAN ALMOST SEE DONNY VINING AND INSTAGRAMMING HIS FIGHTS WITH THE GO-PRO ON HIS FOREHEAD, AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THE WI-FI SET-UP ON HIS FREAKING CHEST. FOR THE LAST TIME: NINJA TURTLES! HOW CAN HE OPERATE IN THIS?!

  Well, now you really understand my pain. I grew up with these guys. They were lean, green, pizza-eating, shell-kicking machines. They operated in the shadows, struck without warning, protected the city from dangers it didn't know existed. They could never be seen, they were trained to vanish without a trace.

  But they're decked in so much stuff! I already looked past the fact that they're HUGE, but hey, mutagen does that to ya. I respect that. They got jacked with toxic ooze, make 'em look menacing. But that's it! That's enough! Make 'em look 21st century or whatever, but don't make 'em look more like freaks than they already do (freaks in a good way). If you really expect me to believe that no one can figure out that giant turtles covered in clinking beads and beeping motherboards and headsets and squeaky sneakers are running around, you need to stick to Transformers, Bay! They can make all the noise you want; they're giant robots! Ninja Turtles? Geez, I'm surprised you didn't give Mikey a boombox. 

  Now, if you're thinking any of the following, I answer you in kind (and RAGE OF CRIMSON RED):

  a) What if they're not going for the "sneaky ninjas in the shadows thing?". They are. You hear them say it in the trailer. Literally, after they beat the crap out of a bunch of guerrillas (and throw those guerrillas into trains quietly), they bound off to the rooftops and slap high-fives, hooting "like shadows in the night! COMPLETELY unseen!". They were trained to be stealthy, and then they went out wearing their Captain Obvious costumes.
  b) Perhaps they were trained to be stealthy even when decked in jingle bells? Shut up. That's bull crap.               

                            

My sons, I will now teach you the ninja art of stopping soundwaves.

   Now you think I forgot about Splinter. Well, you catch a glimpse of him in the trailer, and I guess you can't really mess him up, can you? Maybe give him the boombox (now THAT would be pretty sweet). Thanks to the "screw the fans" disease, though, we already know from this trailer that he loses his fight against Megatron.

  Wait, what? Oh, I'm sorry, I misread "Michael Bay's new-found robot fetish version of the Shredder" as Megatron. How silly of me.

  Yup, they're jacking up Shredder, too. Gotta have that "Sci-Fi" edge...oh, wait, you already have mutant Turtles, so no, don't make Shredder's simple, cool enough, Japanese-style combat armor into a next-gen exo-suit with floating spikes that screams "don't you love it when all the bad guys are grey and spiky?" (Megatron, The Fallen, Starscream, etc.).

  I'm not gonna pay to watch this movie without GOOD reviews. The action looks promising, but I might not be able to stomach the Batman jokes and Leonardo acting like a drill instructor.

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RWNR: TMNT 2014OOOOOOHMYGOD!!!

  siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhh........

  I had been so excited when I heard that someone was working on a new TMNT movie. I've been a Turtles fan for years; I was never a part of the original series, but TMNT 2003 was my jam back in the day. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Say that out loud a few times and just think about how that could be awesome. 

  It was. It was very awesome. I've even run into a few comics; there was one series that was in black and white where the Turtles were in a darker world and were more violent and Batman-y, while the latest one, written by the original creator, is more modern and is getting really good reviews (I can't find them anywhere!).

                               

They're cooler than they look, trust me.

  The only TMNT movie I've ever watched was, well, TMNT (animated). I didn't hate it; came to love it, actually. I watch that crap at least once every year. It really showed what the Turtles meant to each other without the span of a whole series, introduced some cool villains, and even birthed the Nightwatcher! Spoilers aside, I personally think that dude was cooler than Batman. Now I will go try to convince my brethren that I didn't say that and in fact do not deserve the Death Penalty.

  Anyway, my point is, the Turtles rock, and seeing how technology and the way movies are done have progressed, hearing that they're getting a new movie is really exciting. What could go wrong? CGI the Turtles, get an actor with a cool voice for Shredder, a few parkour-ists for the Foot Clan, and have 'em beat the shell out of each other.

  So why did this happen?

eeeehhh....

  I had already known beforehand that the Turtles were gonna look horrible, but Sweet Cheezits those look bad! Well, somehow, the character designer for this movie caught the "screw the fans" disease. You know what I'm talking about; anytime something, anything, is turned into a live action movie, be it a book or a cartoon, they'll hire a character designer who doesn't give a crap. He/she'll take like one look at how the characters basically look and then'll scoff and vomit their own image of how they think the characters should look. In fact, now that I think about it, this doesn't necessarily apply only to live action movies (Sonic Boom, for instance). 

  How did the disease affect the victim this time?

  "Yo, I need a design for Leonardo."

  "Who?"

  "You know, the Ninja Turtle with the blue mask. The one with the swords?"

  "Oh, yeah, yeah, that guy. What'd you say he was? A ninja turtle? The heck is that?"

  "A turtle that's a ninja, I don't know! That's your job. Use your freakin' imagination!"

  "Okay, okay, calm down"

  "...well?"

  "I got it: Native American Flute Vest."

  "Bingo. See, that's why you da man!"

  Ninjas. NINJAS. Not Apache chiefs! In it's defense, though, Leo's actually the worst one. Mickey's not that bad. Donny's been going through some stuff (lately, everyone believes he should be smothered in technology. You know, like all nerds that live in the sewers are). And Ralph just looks bulky and muscular.   

  These, however, are individual designs. Overall, though?

  The Turtles SUCK!!!!!

  I was sitting there, wondering "what's wrong with them? Why can't I stand looking at them?" when it hit me. I realized. I saw the light. I understood where they went wrong.

  

  Here, let's play a game (why, yes, Jigsaw is a personal friend of mine). It's a very old but popular game that I'm sure most of you are used to by now. It's called "find the odd one out". Let's begin, shall we?

 

 

This should be easy...

  

  And why did you choose that horrid piece of crap at the bottom right? He has a freakin' NOSE!

  Think about it for a few seconds. Look at all of those animated versions and think about why we were never scared of them. Think about why we never thought "eeeeeewwww, those are good guys?" back when we used to watch the TV-shows or the movies. Look at all four of those pictures and let the answer come to you.

  It's the nose! They've never had NOSES, what the crap?!!?! They've always been, like, beak-based or something. The very least they've ever had are nostrils. But coming soon, they'll all have a freakin' NOSE. 

  And why, pray tell, is a nose so bad? Simple. They look too human. They were never supposed to look like human beings. Otherwise, it would have been called "Teenage Ninjas"...and that's it. A mutated Turtle does not and should never resemble a human being. Why do these guys scare me? Because they look like ugly, green monks with three fingers and jacked up faces. Their shells look more like backpacks.

  I can't wait to see Splinter.

                     

What, they gonna take away his nose?

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