Ruining our Heroes

  We all agree on a few things in the world of movies. Number one, child actors suck. I mean, the Home Alone kid's scared face was so fake I think anyone who picked up a DVD version of the movie wanted to know what the kid thought was so funny about burglars. Number two, every main character (key word "main") in any movie involving guns is basically Neo until the end if the directors decided to kill him. Bullets are allergic to good guys. Ask Batman; I mean, he's been doing this for like fifty years. And here's something I'm sure has crossed your mind but hasn't quite dinged! yet. It's this: some actors just aren't their characters.
  
  There have been SO MANY movies in which the directors just chose the wrong guy/girl. Here's an example of a perfect choice: Tony Stark in the Iron Man and Avengers movies. I don't even call him whatever his name is (I know what it is but I refuse to say it). I just call him Tony Stark. Here's an example of the wrong guy. ICEMAN in ANY X-MEN MOVIE.
  
  What is this actor's name? I don't care (I actually don't know it this time. heehee.). So far I know he has a twin brother and he is definitely DEPRESSED. I mean, for real. He's going through something.
  
  See, I do watch a lot of TV. And I love Sci-Fi. It's my JAM (not as in toast). Star Wars, Tron, Falling Skies, Fringe, Alphas, you NAME it son. I've seen it all. Except Star Trek. That cow snot can go and hang itself for all I care. And, back to the Iceman actor (and his amazing TWIN!!!) they both starred in an episode of Fringe, and one of them in Smallville. In the Fringe episode, surprise surprise, one of them is some nut job and his brother is stuck in amber. His brother is a murderer or something. And they both have problems. DEPRESSION. In the Smallville episode (you know, about a teenage Superman growing up) he's this socially awkward kid with a crappy life, disapproving parents, nerd status, and when he accidentally gains Superman's powers through electric current (I know, right!? What the crap?!) he becomes dictatorial and out of control. DEPRESSION. This guy is just good at acting like a depressed, unappreciated, outcast individual. He might even be like that in real life (him and his amazing TWIN!!).

  So why. On Earth. Was he cast. AND IS BEING CAST IN THE UPCOMING MOVIE (Days of Future Past). AS ICEMAN!!!!?!?!?! Why is he Iceman?!!?!! Do you KNOW Iceman, dude who chose the actors for the X-Men movies? HUH?! Read comics for a change, you ape! Iceman, aka Bobby Drake, is the funny guy. He's ecstatic. The joker. The guy who has an awesome power and knows it, and makes sure the rest of the world does, too! He's THE MAN. He's cool (pun intended, human race! PUN INTENDED!). He's fun. He's bright.

This is Iceman. See? He's freaking happy.

  So why did you choose depression guy? I mean, this dude's FACE is depressed. It's bored and empty of emotion. It's actually almost SERIOUS. Iceman is not SERIOUS! Not all the time! I did not like any of the X-Men movies that much, and one of the biggest reasons besides Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch's absence and the stupid sunglasses-phone (it's just stupid I hated it) was Iceman's character. Heck, in the movie, when his parents find out he's a mutant, EVERYONE'S depressed. He doesn't crack a single joke, doesn't smile enough, if at all, and dates ROGUE. When did Iceman date ROGUE? You can't even date Rogue! You can't touch her and she can't touch you! Have fun talking for the rest of your life! This dude just...aint Iceman, yo. He aint Iceman.

He aint Iceman. Look at his face. He's more depressing than Rogue.

  Another thing: I know perfection isn't really out there. No one looks perfect or acts perfect or just is perfect or anything. But when you get Superman, in his return to the big screen, in the EPIC movie Man of Steel, and you have our hearts pumping and our emotions swirling and our hands clinging to our seats, don't make him scream out loud in regret and show off his jacked up teeth. I mean, the dude's teeth were not good. At all. He had the black, oily hair. The red cape. The "I'm awesome" demeanor. But then the dude has jacked up teeth? I mean, one was twisted and one was backwards and I was just shocked at how bad they were. Of all the things that got messed up during your fight (which shouldn't be anything, really) his teeth got messed up? Don't use that as an excuse. Get good dental care with the money you made being Superman, you donut!

MY TEEEEEEEEEETH!!!

  I'm very disappointed at these things that can be avoided so easily. How could that be Iceman? Why didn't you put a green screen or something on Superman's teeth (I don't know a whole lot about green screens)? Fix these movies. Please. I really want to see the new X-Men movie...but I might not be able to.

ps: I guess Hugh Jackman looks like Wolverine, a lot, but I'm not...scared of him like I should be. Or intimidated. Like, when Hugh Jackman goes snikt! and Wolverine on TV goes snikt!, I find myself having nightmares of the cartoon. Wolverine is scary and gruff. Hugh Jackman just has the right hair.

Until next we meet.

Meese

  You want to know something that's kind of annoying? The English language. Who came up with it, or whatever it is the world uses in this age and era? You have words and words and words, and all this time you have no idea what you're doing.

  Is there anyone monitoring the English language? Let's assume there is, and call him Joe.

  You're not doing your job, Joe!!

  First of all, you have...SAT words. Intense vocabulary. Words that are tens of letters long that must be memorized and studied and understood. But I seem to recall that once you already have a decent something to perform or play as something, you don't need to make another one! So why are there words like "deleterious" which just means "harmful" or "fallacious" which means "incorrect"? What was wrong with keeping the words that you already had and saying "Done!"? Why was that so hard? And after you've beat yourself up, stabbed and jabbed all of these words into your head, and graduated from college, you realize...

  No one on God's Earth uses them!!! No one! You've literally committed yourself to memorizing these long, unimportant words that you won't use in any situation. If you write something, why are you gonna use all of these complicated words that only someone extremely educated will understand while you have an entire arsenal of words that everyone understands? Example: anybody remember Charlotte's Web, the book turned into a movie with that pig and that spider? Anyway, at some point, the spider says to the pig:

  "Salutations."

  And the poor pig replies:

  "What's that?!?!?!?!"

  And the spider says:

  "Just a fancy way of saying hello."

  SAY FREAKIN' HELLO!!!!! 

  Secondly, Joe, why do you go back completely on your own rules? Plurals, for instance. Apple? Apples. Door? Doors. Then, Joe says: "Hmmmmm. I don't like how 'gooses' sounds, so I'm making it a special case. What? No, no, humanity, you won't ADAPT to saying the word 'gooses' until it becomes comfortable, just like what you'll do with every other word. No, no, how about 'geese' for the plural of goose, huh? 'Geeeeeeeeeeese'. See how it rolls off the tongue?"

  Later, in the Batcave....

  Joe: "Whuh? No, the plural of moose will be simply 'moose'."

 Facepalm.

  Joe, Joe, the people want to know: after your utterly ridiculous decision, you know, the 'geese' thing, what was wrong with...'meese'? Seriously, don't tell me I'm wrong, true believer, I am making PERFECT sense! If the plural of goose is geese, why the crap isn't the plural of moose 'meese'? You know what, forget it, I'm not even putting it between quotations any more: meese. It's a word, because you literally SAID so, Joe, so deal with it. Meese is a word. I'm totally getting a customized shirt that says moose/meese. If you ever see me and we start talking about meese, expect me to say the word a bajillion times.

  Joe, do your job. Please. We need you. I'm not the first and only guy in the world whose mind hasn't at least crossed this. But you know how nowadays we laugh at our ancestors for saying "thy" and "thou" and stuff like that (believe it or not, those weren't underlined in red, unlike meese...)? Yeah, well I'm warning you, Joe, give the world a few decades and your grand-kid's grand-kids'll be laughing at how we never said meese...until now.

Until next we meet. Save the meese.

Moose? Meese, scumbag.

What is Up with Angry Birds?

  I think I speak for everyone when I say that if you have a touch-screen tablet of any size (try out our new bigger than an iPhone but smaller than an iPad! Apple.) or type, you know what I’m talking about when I say these words: Angry. Birds. Angry Birds.

 

  So, how have our little violent birdies been doing? Okay, well, they recently teamed up with Lucasfilms and created a Star Wars (eeeeeeeeeeek!!) version of their fling-birds-at-stuff game, and a while before that they had this weird space version in which I myself was only a fan of the water planet levels. The people at the company that made this game, Rovio, I think, are probably swimming in a pool of money right now. And the second they release Angry Birds Transformers (please?) I’m gonna be standing there with my dollar ninety-nine, ready to exercise my finger again for a few hours.

  So what happened? Well, my friends, I just wanted to share with you a few things I noticed about this franchise that were kind of ridiculous. Here’s What is Up with Angry Birds:

  @. Useless birds: As I mentioned before, Rovio released a space version of the game that introduced zero-G and all that, and I wasn't a huge fan of it. Call me picky. The interesting thing, though, was that it introduced new birds. The birds were more like redesigns of old birds, upgraded versions you could say. And that brings topic number one: Rovio has made a lot of very useless birds. We have:

     

       a.The red bird: This guy has never been useful. You always start off with him, and using him is hopeless. He has no strong points (like the black bird is strong against rock and the blue bird is strong against glass) and he has no special ability. He is the most useless bird of late, and I’m pretty darn sure that Rovio made him up to serve the sole purpose of being a symbol. No, no, not a bird who can actually BREAK something, nope, make our symbol a fat, red ball with a beak that squeals when you chuck it at wood. I swear, sometimes, I feel like going out and extinct-ing this bird.

        

       b.The green bird: What the bald monkey?! What is this bird supposed to be, a toucan?! Yeah, well toucans are a dumb idea of a bird of war (so is a chicken, but hey, dive-bombing eggs was NOT a bad idea). They’re meant to be exotic and beautiful, especially their beaks. Thanks to Rovio, the beak of a toucan now serves as a boomerang. Hooray. That’s just what we needed; we’ve been BEGGING for a bird that you can’t aim with. I’m not lying when I say that every level of Angry Birds that I haven’t finished features the freakin’ toucan. He is very useless in the fact that when you ‘boomerang’ him, he just flops onto the floor and barks. What?! I’ve even tried throwing him BACKWARDS for crying out loud, then boomeranging him so he can fly forward, but I guess then I've just replaced the red bird with the same thing.

       c.The orange bird: He’s the newest, and literally the DUMBEST. Here, let me explain: ya throw him, wait for a few seconds, and then he gets fat.

  I take it back, the red bird can at least kill exposed pigs, but THIS guy, sheesh, he just…inflates. That’s it. That may sound awesome to you, but when you try him out, you just find yourself waiting for him to deflate and disappear so you can get back to, you know, KILLING PIGS.

  @.Gets owned by the bad guys: So, the plot of Angry Birds (I know you know what it is but shut up and let me finish) is this: Pigs steal eggs, birds want revenge. The pigs are the bad guys. Who doesn’t love bad guys? Seriously, name any hero or protagonist whose villain isn’t just THAT much cooler than him/her? The Joker from Batman, Darth Maul from Star Wars (eeeeeeeeeeeek!!), and the zombies from the Walking Dead (eek) all have the same quality: They kick butt cheeks. And fortunately, that is also the case with Angry Birds. Rovio released a pig’s version of their game last year, which of course had a different gameplay style and goal. You build contraptions out of random items the game throws at you and try to get to ‘the other side’ (Fringe reference). And let me tell you, no matter what your kids think, this game is just awesome. No more than two dollars, folks. You gotta get it. It is really fun. And while Angry Birds is oh-kaaaay, Bad Piggies beats it with flying colors (or flying pigs.) I guess this isn’t…really a rage. Sorry.

  @.Murder: This makes me very sad. This fills my eyes with H20. My heart just rips itself into non-existence. MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING. Why? Why, Rovio? Why would you do this? Why would you put this horrible tragedy in our minds? ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS PLAY A GAME, ROVIO!! MURDER IS NOT A GAME! DO YOU THINK MURDER IS A GAME ROVIO?! This specific…rage, if you may, has two terrible, terrible factors: 

  

  One, if the sole purpose of your war is to get your eggs back, why on Earth would you just commit suicide? The birds are committing!! Suicide!! They’re killing themselves. They’re blowing themselves up, breaking their own bodies, and flinging themselves at sharp edges to get their babies back! Why you doin’ it if your jut gonna end up dead? Why would you leave those eggs without parents? Why?! 

  

  And number two: if the sole purpose of your war is to get your eggs back, why is the white bird basically CRAPPING out eggs onto the freakin’ battlefield?! I know that I mentioned this as an awesome idea, but still...when you think about it, it's really revolting. And, considering the fact that you HAVE to have eggs, can’t the white bird just…make some more? These are not hidden factors, my friends. This is MURDER. And that is very…I just can’t take it anymore. How could you forget what you’re fighting for? You murder yourself to save your kids, and then you murder your kids to save your kids? This has to be stopped.

  In conclusion, I hope I haven’t ruined Angry Birds for you, because they try really hard. So just…try harder, ‘kay?

Until next we meat (see what I did there? ‘meat’? pigs?).

p.s.: Um…the female birds lay the eggs and watch over them, right? Juuuuuuuuuust checking…..-.-.

 ?????

The Dream World: The Secret Behind Passing Out

  Martial arts. Self-defense. Fighting. These are all phrases. But what do they mean? Do they imply that it's all 'art' out there? Is being able to hurt someone 'self-defense'? Or does it all come down to 'fighting'? The bloody-fisted, bone-crunching, black-eye-at-the-end-of-the-day fighting? No, I am here to tell you otherwise. I am here to tell you that, at the end of the day, what you know as an art or a form of defending yourself or a way to beat up someone is simply a sport. A sport that you can grow to love. A sport that you can take seriously or for granted. A sport meant to raise your confidence, strengthen your body, and give you a heck of a time while doing. And no matter what, nothing is wrong with a sport.

  

  In football, you may get trampled. In soccer, you may get tripped. In baseball, you may get hit. And in any 'martial art', you may get hurt, and very badly. But at the end of the day, who or what is to blame? The answer is nobody. There is no blame. It is part of the game. It is part of the sport. You might get hurt. You may quit the sport, maybe you don't want to get hurt again or maybe you just can't do it anymore. But there's always something that stays behind, something that clings on and that you hold onto, impossible to let go of. The experience stays. Possibly the thrill. The hardships, oh, definitely. But what you never forget is the time you spend with your friends. They are your friends. He/she had to stop you from scoring a point. He/she didn't want to hurt you, it was just part of the sport. The sport you wanted to do with him/her. The sport you enjoyed together. He/she had to help his/her teammate, and not you. That doesn't mean he isn't your friend. You weren't on his team. Part of the sport. You still like the sport? Your choice. But your friend stays. He/she won't leave. He/she can't destroy you, not on purpose. Never on purpose. Why would they? It's just a sport, it can go away, but your friend stays.

  Now, sports are no joke. They are fun, VERY fun, but they come with consequences. Boxers  can get brain damage. Basketball players can ruin their knees. And we all know what can go wrong in free-falling. But you don't care. The sport was there, and you wanted a part of it. You knew the dangers, but danger is forever. You cannot miss out on something you cherish. If the sport calls out to you, enjoy it. Don't think about brain damage or twisted knees or the big splat. Just think about your need for the thrill. And think about your need for your friends. They are there to hang out with you, talk to you, even guide you. And in a sport, they can hurt you. But they can save you. And if they don't, it's not like they didn't want to. It's not like they planned it all. Allah knows best, so if what you and your friends wanted to do ever goes wrong, know that nothing can ever be you or your friend's fault. 

  My friends introduced me to the sport of BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu). It is called a martial art. It is a good source of self-defense. And it is a sport. When I first started training, I didn't think it was too bad. The moves and techniques were, and still are, very useful to every extent. I myself also found it as a good source of exercise. But then, yesterday (or yesternight), it happened. I was sparring with my good friend, a neighbor of mine, when he got me in an excellent choke. All part of the sport. All part of being friends. Neither he, nor anyone else, could have expected that I would would pass out on that day (or night. Seriously, it depends). All I remember is hanging on, trying to get out, but then finally deciding to 'tap out', or concede. And I did. But by then, I couldn't breathe. Then my eyes closed. 

  

  The others in the room say my eyes rolled. It was dark. It was almost peaceful. I could hear things. I could feel myself spitting, vomiting. I could hear my younger brother crying, and someone going to get him. I could feel myself being rolled over. And then I woke up. The blackout had only lasted seconds. It felt like forever in what I have dubbed 'The Dream World'. You can see yourself. You are in and out of your body at the same time. You can catch bits and pieces of what is happening. But when I woke up, I remembered nothing. I had had no idea what had just happened. I had had no idea that, in an attempt to accomplish a successful choke in the good of the sport, my good friend, one of my lifelong friends, had caused me to pass out. It was my first experience. It was one of my many hardships and pains. And it was part of the sport. He had attempted to save me. The vomiting caught him off guard. Another of my friends, an instructor, intervened and put me into a 'recovery position'. I survived. I'm fine right now. I had scared a bunch of my other companions. But after it was over, after I had gotten my breathing together, we talked and even laughed about it afterwards. Why not? No one was hurt. No one was to blame. We all completed another influential and successful class. And I will still continue the sport. One hardship may be enough to discourage you. One hardship could permanently end your love or desire for a sport. But my advice to you is, no matter the hardship:

  Never hate your friends. And never forget them.

  Until next we meet. 

The Difference Between "No" and "Nope"

One ends with a "pe".

Until next we meet.